walleysblog

Stopping by to say HIGH.

2006-08-17T11:04:00.001-05:00

My last two posts were not meant to be understood.
I have been away & busy for a while.
working 7 days a week in the 'burg & in New Orleans.
It has left little time for blogging.
But, I'will be back!
In the mean time ...
FIGHT THE POWER!!!

Stopping by to say HIGH.

2006-08-17T11:04:00.000-05:00

ff

2006-07-18T12:55:00.000-05:00

Zip Tie

2006-07-18T12:51:00.000-05:00

fff

Love Thy Neighbor (Yeah right!)

2006-06-02T08:44:00.000-05:00

Dateline: Hattiespatch (Hysterical Neighborhood)

The house next door to mine is a rental. It's been divided up into a number of small efficiency apts. that are very cheap to rent. Consequently some of the renters are of, let us say, the lower end of the income spectrum. Copious beer drinking, spousal abuse, and dirty naked children seem to be the hobbies of my neighbors even though the same ones seldom live there for more than a few months before they are evicted or arrested.
Last night I was grilling out on the front porch with the lovely & talented "E" when a drunken british accent yelled "Hey remember me?"
Unfortunately I did. It was the ex-husband of an old friend of mine. Now I not only have to deal with slamming cardoors & flashing blue lights at all hours, but now they think they can drink beer on my front porch.
Once a couple of years ago, a snaggletoothed 40-something with a pot belly staggered onto the porch from next door. She said she needed beer & cigarette money & so would give me a blow-job for eight bucks. (no thanks)
Another time a guy showed up on my step with a ladder. He wanted to know if wanted to buy it. I said no. Later that day a cop showed up and asked if anyone had tried to sell me anything today. I told him about the ladder. He explained that the guy with the ladder had been going around the neighborhood stealing stuf from one house & trying to sell it at the next house. Turns out I was missing my weed eater.
As I was leaving the house one time a 20 something woman with fresh bruises wanted me to give her a lift to the highway. I said no. I know that sounds mean. A ride wouldn't have cost me anything. but, it's been my experience that in south Mississippi getting between a redneck & the woman he likes to beat on is the quickest way to get on the wrong end of a gun. (or possibly a tire iron)
Another time I was grilling steaks & when I went out to get them off the grill they were gone. My neighbors stole my food right off the grill.
I love my house.
I just wish I could move it.

Blog on

Bert

Musical furniture

2006-05-30T13:32:00.000-05:00

The lovely & talented E is moving into my house. She has lots of furniture & stuff & my house already has a bunch of stuff in it. So, we determined that my mid 1970's sectional living room thing had reached the end of it's usefull life. We threw it out to the curb & drove to the store. When we returned the sectional was gone. On the curb in front of my next door neighbor's house was their living room furniture. Now that's gone. Nothing goes to waste in the Hattiespatch Hysterical Neighborhood.

Blog on!

Bert

Parenting 101

2006-05-24T13:44:00.000-05:00

No sooner had I posted the last post than I got a phone call from a customer. One of the youngun's picked up the extension & made monkey nioses into the phone. After informing my client that I would call him right back, I proceeded to inform the little darlings of the error of their ways (I admit profanity was used). Now I am in trouble for yelling at the little bastards.
I understand that most children today are poorly raise. I understand that the way a parent raises their children is their own business. But, if you raise a poorly behaved child and someone complains about that child's behaviour you should do one of three things:
Appologize for your child's behaviour, and rectify any damages.
Attempt to correct the child's behaviour.
Or, suck it up, and keep your fucking mouth shut.

I believe that there are currently as many parents out there that need a good spanking than children.

Who's with me?

Blog on!

Bert

Dumbasslittlebastard

2006-05-24T12:10:00.000-05:00

Today my stepdad brought some of his great grand younguns over.
It's not that he's that old, but his progeny tend to breed young & indescriminantly.
One of then shot the Glass out of the sliding door in the back of the shop with a BB gun.
He says it was an accident.
He was standing 5 ft. from from a sheet of glass 4' by 6' 6".
The child is either a liar or the worst shot in the history of the fucking world.
And judging by the the number of dead birds in the lawn I'm going with lyin'sack of shit.
Well, whichever, it's costing my stepdad $125.00 for new glass.

Other peoples children are the best birth control.

Bert

Dang I'm Old

2006-05-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to me.
On the twenty-eighth of May,
I'll be turning four-ty!

Poor Gorak, he never had a chance

2006-05-23T08:50:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention lately that all together too many people I know are getting married. So, I thought this would be an opportune time to give you all, "Bert's advice on marriage"

Just say why?

Seriously. Why? Marriage in the state of Mississippi means nothing more than a hike in your taxes. If two people "love" each other then, cool, shack up. There don't seem to be any social ramifications to living in sin any more & honestly, I can't think of any advantages provided by matrimony. If two folks really want to stay together for the rest of their lives, more power to 'em. But, in a no fault divorce state, like MS, you can just walk out anytime you want.

I have several pairs of friends who are currently contemplating marriage. I've tried to talk them out of it, but to no avail. Some of them have been married before & should know better.

I'm not sure why women want to get married (I understand little of the feminine), but marriage changes three things in a man's life:

#1 You can have sex whenever she wants to.

#2 The number of bottles cans & tubes of gooey, oily stuff in your bathroom increases exponentially.

#3 You never run out of toilet paper.

As far as advice for getting along with a spouse I can only relate a conversation I over heard between my father & grandfather.

There had apparently been some friction between my mom & dad and by way of advice my grandfather said, "It's all about compromise. you can't always have things your own way. Sometimes, you got to give in & say I love her so I'll keep her happy."

"For example," He continued, "I just painted the kitchen. She wanted to paint it green & I wanted to paint it a nice sunny yellow cause I can't eat my breakfast in a green kitchen. She got upset and i figured, what the hell, she spends more time in the kitchen than I do, so I said, "Okay, Honey, I'll paint the kitchen green.", and she was all happy again. You see, Son, a happy wife makes a happy marriage, and keeping your wife happy is all about compromise."

Then my dad said, "But, Dad, the kitchen's yellow."

To which my granddad replied, "Hell yes it's yellow. I told you I couldn't eat breakfast in a green kitchen."

I think there's a lesson here to be learned by all prospective spouses.

I believe that the whole marriage thing goes back to the caveman days. We all know what women want, even if we don't like to admit it. Women want food & shiny things. It's as simple as that. That's why Gorak went out & killed the brontosaurus. So, cavegirl would have sex with him. That's why Gorak made shiny things to put around her neck. So she would clean the cave & cook his brontosaurus. That's it. Simple.

Cavegirl gave Gorak a hummer Because she was hungry & she was too small to kill a brontosaurus. she cooked and cleaned for Gorak because she wanted shiny things to sell for food when Gorak finally got stomped to caveman burger by the brontosaurus. That's it. Simple, Neanderthal economics.

Today it's basically the same thing. Why do you think guys take girls to dinner? We know we don't look our best scarfing a Porterhouse. We do it because deep back in our caveman brains we believe a well fed chick is more likely to fall on her back. Alcohol doesn't hurt. Girls, guys know why you order the most expensive thing on the menu, then only eat the salad & dessert. It's for the doggy bag. We know you don't have a dog, and you wouldn't feed him lobster if you did. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just show up on some chicks doorstep with a take out box of Duck al'orange & skip straight to the squeaky spring jamboree?

And, as for the shiny things, chicks don't cook or clean any more. They want you to share the household chores, so I think we ought to share the shiny things.

So, what's the point of marriage anyway?

I don't know.

I kind of got off on a tangent in 4,765,940 BC.

Sorry.

Just live together in lovely, warm, cozy, blissful sin & be happy.

Fight the power.

Blog on!

Bert (Gorak)

I thought I was back but apparently I Ain't

2006-05-19T13:11:00.000-05:00

I tried to start blogging again, but it ain't workin'. I tried to post yesterday & it went into my list of posts, but it ain't on my blog. If this post doesn't show up either i guess I'm Screwed. I haven' posted for several months so that might have something to do with it. I don't know so this is just a trial to see what's wrong. nobody ever reads my stuff anyway so I guess I won't be missed if this doesn't post either.

Happy blogging,
Bert

I'm BAA-aack!

2006-05-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a long time since I posted so probably nobody ever comes here anymore.
I figure this post goes out to noone.
I've been very busy though (outside of the blogoshpere), I've started my own sign company, email albert@clinesigns.com, I've semi recovered from the Katrina thing, and I found a girl willing to say she's my girlfriend out loud in front of other people. (and, yes, Tandy she's been in my house)
Ann, why didn't you invite me to the Victoria's Secret outing. You know Tandy isn't the only one that would like to see you try on non regulation skivvies. As for the super secret sexy room, I am not at liberty to discuss certain aspects of my only visit there due to a non-disclosure agreement, but let's just say I'm no longer allowed within 500 yds. of shopping malls in Delaware, New Jersey, and eight counties in Virginia.

Happy Blogging,

Bert

P.S.
I'm BAA-aack!

Checking in

2005-12-27T16:00:00.000-06:00

Sorry, I haven't posted in a while.
I took on several new projects, then I got sick.
I'll be posting again as soon as I can get a few of my extra irons out of the fire.

Help Me Help Me My Posts won't publish!!!
-bert.

Where are ya when we need ya, Duke?

2005-12-13T10:52:00.000-06:00

I just heard that the movie that has the most nominations for Golden Globe awards is a flick called "Broke Back Mountain". How it got all these nominations I don’t know, because I can’t find anybody who’s seen it. Doesn’t that count for anything? I mean for a movie to get bunches of awards shouldn’t it be a movie that lots of people have gone to see? A lot more people went to see Mel Gibson’s Jesus movie than are ever going to hear about "Broke Back Mountain", but did Mel get any positive recognition from Hollywood? Nope. Of course, Mel can sit back on the half BILLION dollars he made off his movie & tell Hollywood to bite him.
I know why this movie is getting all these awards. It’s because the movie is about gay cowboys.
Hollywood hates America. More specifically Hollywood hates heterosexual white conservative male christians. And there are few things that are more heterosexual white conservative male christian than cowboys. Heterosexual white conservative male christian are the only discrete group left in the world that it’s still okay to hate and ridicule, but that’s okay because heterosexual white conservative male christians are the only group left that can take a little ridicule without bitching about it. But, I’m afraid the line must be drawn at cowboys. There are no gay cowboys. Never have been, never will be. I’m not gay bashing, or anything here. Anybody who knows me knows I could give a shit who you’re boning. I’m just saying there are no gay cowboys. Just ask John Wayne.
Where are ya when we need ya, Duke?

Help me understand!!!!!

2005-12-12T13:47:00.000-06:00

Over the weekend a friend of mine told me of a new cosmetic fad sweeping the nation. The treatment was so incredibly asinine that I thought I was being lied to. I thought it had to be made up. No one would ever do something a stupid as having their asshole bleached. But, I did a Google search on it and, sure enough, people are getting it done! WHY!!?? How many people are really ever going to see your butthole? And, of those people, how many are going to care if your poopshute is too dark? I have long been fascinated by the stupidity of the population at large, but this takes it 100%. Even after visiting several sites advertising it (some with before & after pictures) and finding out that it is actually available in my local area, I still have difficulty believing it. My mind boggles. If any one has any insight into the thought process that would bring someone to do this PLEASE comment here.
I realize now that I can not ever remember seeing my own asshole.
I wonder what color it is.

Bluetick Hound

2005-12-09T10:48:00.000-06:00

One Sunday morning, maybe twelve or fifteen years ago I woke up on the couch in a friend’s living room. The TV was still on. There were beer bottles, and other detritus from the previous night’s party strewn around. I got the trash can from the kitchen, and made a half hearted attempt at straightening up. No one else was awake yet.
I left the house. It was early, but late enough that all the church folks had their asses securely planted in pews.
There was no traffic at all.
It was late in October. The air was cool. Not that breath stealing, mildew inducing, clammy cool that Mississippi can get in the fall, but a clean, dry, lung cleansing cool.
There was a little shred of breeze here and there.
My head was still kind of fuzzy from the night before, but over all I felt pretty good. The cool air seemed to fill up my lungs to capacity, and clean me out from the inside.
I started off toward seventh street. I kept on the sidewalk because I had a hole in my boot, a dime sized spot of cold on my left big toe.
I was coming up to Hercules Powder Company. The big gun powder plant where they don’t make powder anymore. They make insecticide. I think they make pine cleaner too. I crossed the street to walk along the sidewalk next to the elementary school.
That’s when I saw him. There was a bluetick hound trotting down the sidewalk on the other side of the block. He was going the opposite direction from me, sniffing the ground the way dogs do. When he drew abreast of me, I guess he felt me watching him, he looked up. We both stopped and stared at one another.
That’s when I knew who that dog was. It was the Devil. He had slipped on a dog skin, and gone out for a trot on a cool Sunday morning in Mississippi.
The look in his eyes was both inviting, almost friendly, and unfathomably malevolent. I could see the heat coming off of him. Shimmering waves rising from his body, and distorting the houses on the other side of the road. He was perfectly still. Then, he wagged his tail. One slow deliberate movement, and perfectly dog like. His tail swung to the left, and then to the right, then back to the center, one smooth natural movement.
I could see that he and I were thinking the same thing. How fast could that dog with the Devil inside of him cross this playground. It was about thirty yards. There was some playground equipment between us. Monkey bars, a jungle gym, stuff like that. Nothing that would slow him down. On my side of the block there was a chainlink fence, only about waist high, nothing a dog his size couldn’t be over in a running leap.
The dog stood on the opposite sidewalk. The grass next to the walk around him was beginning to turn yellow, and scorch a little from the heat coming off the dog.
I don’t know how long we watched each other. It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. But, it seemed like quite a while.
Then, he put his nose to the ground, and trotted off around the school building. His paws left little, smoking scorch marks on the grass.
I stood there for a moment trying to figure out what to do. I couldn’t think of anything better than walking home, so I did.
And, that is the story about the first time I met the Devil.
I think that there are some places in the world, like southern Mississippi, where whatever it is that separates us from Heaven, and Hell is worn a little thinner than other places, and seeing the Devil out for a walk in a bluetick hound isn’t really that unusual.

Facial Fashion

2005-12-08T15:17:00.000-06:00

The reason people shouldn’t put their head in a Hewlet Packard scanjet 5470c.
I was resently persuaded to shave my beard, but I’m keepin’ the foomanchu & the soul patch damnit. I don’t think men look right without some sort of facial hair. They look larval, or unfinished, or something. I know there’re millions of nekid faced guys out there that disagree with me, but that’s their problem. There are so many possibilities for facial fashion that I don’t understand why more guys don’t go with at least a moustache, or sideburns or something, a full beard may be going a little far for some folks, but you could go with that Amish things like a beard with no moustache, or what about just a little soul patch? You know. just a little fuzz on your bottom lip just to prove you’re a male mammal. Some people call it a love brush, or a flavor saver, or (my personal favorite) a "Bourbon Street Boullion Cube. So, come on guys let’s start cultivating a little chin cabbage going out there.

Horoscope

2005-12-08T13:19:00.000-06:00

Just a not to inform y'all that I finally updated Bert's free horoscope.
December is out now, but I did it fast & dirty & I didn't proofread so astrologize at your own risk.
Hope you enjoy!

Filet-O-Fish

2005-12-06T14:25:00.000-06:00

Today I would like to extol the virtues of the Filet-O-Fish Sandwich. I just got back from McDonald’s, and now have one of these piscine gems in my possession. I purchased meal combo #10 which consists of the aforementioned sandwich plus a small coke and a small fry for $3.98.
I don’t eat the fries. I give them to Terry, my retarded co-worker. He doesn’t have any teeth, so he has trouble with some sandwiches.
I eat far more fast food than I should, but I work in a place called "Petal" & the culinary options here are limited.
Back to the Filet-O-Fish. It starts with the soft warm steamed bun, steam slowly wafting from it’s sweet moist surface. Inside a perfectly symmetrical half inch thick slice of Cod (at least I think it’s cod, but who cares it’s yummy) lovingly battered, and coated with crumbs by a huge stainless steel Cod battering crumb coater, fried in the fry-o-lator, and laid like a voluptuous courtesan upon the couch of it’s bun, then coyly covering her nakedness as a sunny, orange slice of homogenized, and pasteurized American cheese food product is allowed to melt over the fish just before being cooled by a dollop of McDonald’s finest tartar sauce. Then the entire layered masterpiece is encased, not in a mere paper wrapper, but a genuine cardboard container so that the immaculate fit and finish of this gustatory delight will not be marred. 46% post consumer recycled content. Oh, the sybaritic joy of that first mouthful of fast food glory. The utter, near ejaculatory satisfaction of the last greasy little bite. Oh, Filet-O-Fish, my soul weeps for those unable to attain your flaky goodness.
I need a bi-carb.

Sunday Brunch

2005-12-05T12:48:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we has Sunday Brunch at 206.
A good time was had by all.
Sunday brunch is a wonderful tradition for those of us who would rather drink Mimosas and eat pastries than attend our local religious institutions.
206 has an incredible breakfast menu (I had the shrimp & asparagus omelette with polenta on the side & an alfredo sauce) I am particularly fond of the Cinnamon rolls & Roasted apples that come free with your meal
Mimosas and Bloody Marys are 2 for one.
The Bloody Mary are made with a mixture of garlic & other savory vegetables that they roast down in the kitchen & throw in a blender behind the bar. The Mimosas are made with fresh squeezed orange juice. Another favorite drink of the usual suspects is the "Southern Baptist" a shot of Bourbon in a tall glass of sweet, iced tea with a lemon. (It's named after the old joke: Q / How do you tell a Baptist from a Methodist? A / A Methodist will say, "Hey." to you in the liquor store.) Mississippi is notorious for our closet drinking Baptists. A friend brought their kid, so we all had coloring books & Hot Wheels cars to play with.
There was a new girl there who apparently has a blog, but I can’t seem to find it, so, if anybody out there knows what I’m talking about drop me a comment.
It was a nice sunny day spent on the Terrace of 206 overlooking lovely downtown Hattiespatch.
Y’all all need to come by next Sunday & hang out.
We’ll be waitin’ for ya.

'Twas A Redneck Night Before Christmas

2005-12-02T11:29:00.000-06:00

That's right, this year I'm pickin' on the Rednecks.
Enjoy!

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all ‘round the double-wide.
Rednecks were drinkin’
fryin’ turkeys outside.
One whupped his woman,
and one snorted meth,
and one sang a carol
with rum on his breath.
One hick suggested,
brain muddled with beer,
"Hey, guys grab your shotguns
let’s spotlight some deer!"
So, off went three rednecks
wired, drunk, and well armed
With any good luck
no wildlife would be harmed.
But as fate would have it
they spotted a herd.
They ducked out of sight
without saying a word.
They crept t’ward the deer
drinking down by a brook.
They peeked ‘round a pine tree
to take one more look.
Then leapt out, and opened fire
Pow, pow, pop, bang!
When they ran out of ammo
one redneck said, "Dang!"
All eight of the reindeer
stood there quite unharmed.
Looking straight at the rednecks
not even alarmed.
But, there on the ground,
lying next to a sled.
Was a fat bearded guy
the rednecks had shot dead.
"Holy shit." said one redneck
disbelieving his eyes.
"I think we shot one of those
bell-ringer guys!"
They checked out sled,
and they found in the back,
a fortune in toys
in a red velvet sack.
One of the rednecks
gave a snap to the reigns,
and off of the ground
the deer & sled came.
From down by the brook,
to the top of a ridge.
They dropped off the body
beneath Monhed bridge.
You know, an awful lot of dead, fat guys seem to show up there.
They flew to a pawn shop,
and hocked all the toys.
Ruining Yule Tide
for some girls, and boys
They spent all the money
on booze, and on meth.
Then one of the rednecks
fell to his death.
While trying to hood surf
at two thousand feet.
The other two waved,
and yelled, "So, long Pete!"
Their landing on River Road
tested their mettle.
Then they got busted
at a road block in Petal.
A cop asked, "Which one
of you’s drivin’ this rig?"
A hick pulled a pistol,
and aimed at the pig.
But, the cop drew his quicker,
and blew him away.
He made a wet thump
as he fell from the sleigh.
The last redneck left
popped the clutch, and lit out.
And, sideswiped the cop
as he fled on his route.
Through Perry County
To-wards Runnelstown.
Then five miles further,
he turned to the side.
And, fled down the dirt road
to his double-wide.
The sole surviving redneck
related this yarn.
When I disbelieved him
he strode to the barn.
He opened the doors,
and what did I see?
But, eight fuckin’ reindeer
prancing with glee.
I noticed that one critter
was missing a limb.
I asked the redneck what
had happened to him.
The redneck said to me
with a gleam in his eye.
"Dammit boy! You just don’t eat a flying reindeer all at once!"

The Reason For The Season

2005-11-30T12:20:00.000-06:00

This is the time of year that we buy each other gifts.
Many times we get each other really good or really bad gifts.
Some people are good at picking gifts, some are really bad.
So, to help my fellow human beings with their yuletide purchases I have endeavored to create lists of suggestions both pro & con from #1 being the best & #9 being the worst.
The lists will be separated according to sex & are based entirely on my own experiences, so they may not reflect everyone.

For Guys:

#1 Sex.
Now, this can be a tricky one, but it can also take many forms. A guy could take a friend to a strip club & give him a handful of ones, or porn, or a chick could do that "thing" her guy is into, but she doesn’t like, or she could talk girlfriend into a "2-fer" whatever, be creative.

#2 A pocket knife or one of those multi-tool things.
You can’t go wrong here, a guy can always use another pocketknife. Spend at least $50, nothing sucks worse than poorly crafted cutlery.

#3 Food.
Guys like food.

#4 Gift card to a hardware store.
Roughly even with food.

#5 Booze.
See #3 & #4.

#6 A book.
True, some guys don’t read much, but what guy wouldn’t like a Chilton Book for his car, or a book on his favorite hobby, or porn.

#7 Clothes.
Here’s one where many people go wrong. Guys don’t want clothes they aren’t used to. Don’t go tryin’ to change his style with the gift of a special piece of clothing. He won’t wear it, and if he does he will hate it. Look at what he normally wears, for example overalls, maybe you hate overalls, but if you want it to be a good gift, go out & get the best pair of overalls there is.

#8 Cologne.
Now, most guys aren’t really going to appreciate a gift of cologne immediately. Cologne is a sneaker gift. Months or even years down the road, he’ll all of the sudden have a need for cologne and there it will be in the medicine chest. He will remember you warmly, even if you never find out about it.

#9 Underwear.
Guys like to buy their own underwear. You may think its cute, or sexy. He doesn’t. He may pretend to like it, but it’s like dancing, guys only do it to get laid. Trust me this is a rule of the universe, guys will not appreciate underwear, and we only dance to get laid.

For Chicks:

#1 Jewelry.
Chicks dig money, and the more expensive the gift the more it is likely to be appreciated. Chicks like sentiment too, so if you want to get off cheap go buy a pawn shop & drop a wad on something nice, & tell her it used to belong to some relative.

#2 Clothes.
Same as above the more expensive the better.

#3 Gift card to an expensive boutique.
Go ahead put as much as you can afford on it, chicks won’t appreciate a low dollar card. Besides she’s probably gonna sell it to friend for rent money anyway.

#4 Gift card to a department store.
Same as #3

#5 Perfume.
Find out what kind she likes first, or it’ll end up belonging to her girlfriend.

#6 A book.
Not nesseccarily to read, but to look good on a shelf. Hardcover only, & something cutesy like "The Velveteen Rabbit" or "Where The Wild Things Are". Write something in it.

#7 Underwear.
She knows why your buying it, but what the hell.

#8 Weight loss equipment, diet books, etc.
Trust me, this is a losing proposition no matter how its presented.

#9 Sex toys.
Not that she wouldn’t appreciate it, but timing is everything. Accidentally opening the "Spiral-gyro Super Alien Intruder" in front of Aunt Martha and the Grandma can have less than the optimum effect. (Interesting story there, but a post for another time.)

I hope these will be helpful.
I thought about making this a meme, but didn’t.

Thank God for Thanksgiving!

2005-11-23T14:12:00.000-06:00

Celebrate Thanksgiving! the first great American triumph of capitalism over communism. A lot of people think that the first thanksgiving was celebrated by the Pilgrims to thank the Indians for getting them through the first winter in the new world. Not so!
When the pilgrims arrived in America they had borrowed heavily from European merchants, and they were under a set of rules called the "Mayflower Compact" essentially a commune under which everything produced was put into a central store, of which everyone had an equal share and from which their European debt would be paid.
According to William Bedford, the first governor of the colony, this didn’t work out very well because since they all were supposed to get all they needed from the central store, nobody produced more than the minimum required, and many of them starved, and they went further into debt sending for more supplies. So, finally, Bedford said, "Fuck this noise." (not literally) and assigned each family an area of land to farm themselves. Soon, so much surplus was being produced that the pilgrims invited the Indians to a feast to show their new wealth, to thank God for their prosperity and to establish trading relations with the Indians. The Pilgrim’s trading posts soon became so popular with the Indians that they were able to make excess profits & pay off their debt to the European merchants long before they had planned!
Thank God for his great gift to America CAPITALISM!!!!
Most people are also unaware that the pilgrims had originally intended to set up their colony further south around the Carolinas, but they ran out of beer, and decided to stop at Plymouth because it had large stands of wild barley.
Talk about dying for a beer.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Meat Panties!!!

2005-11-22T13:07:00.000-06:00

Reuters needs a proof-reader.
Check out http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051101/ts_nm/food_beef_recall_dc

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-17T15:36:00.000-06:00

This is sort of a re-post, but I thought y'all might like a yummy recipe for Thanksgiving.
Enjoy!

Recipe for "Vegetarian Tofurkey"

3-12 oz. pkgs. of tofu.
Add: 1/2 cup prepared imitation chicken stock
1 tsp. sesame seed oil
1 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. saffron
1 cup finely crushed Ritz crackers
2 tbsp. brown sugar.
Blend mixture thoroughly.
Wrap in cheese cloth & place in a colander.
Place a couple of cans of food or other weight on cheese cloth & leave to drain in the refrigerator for 48 hours.
Remove mixture from refrigerator & stuff in a freshly skinned & gutted vegetarian over a charcoal fire.
Cover.
When temperature reaches 185 degrees in the thickest part of the buttock (8 to 10 hours), remove from heat & let cool approx. 1 hour
Feeds: 5-8
Helpful hints: When slaughtering a vegetarian, sneak up on it. Adrenaline spoils the meat. For preparation refer to the earlier post "Morlocks Rule!"

4 letter words

2005-11-16T14:46:00.000-06:00

So much is going on today: Paris is still on fire (how’ that curfew working fer y’all? Doesn’t curfew actually mean cover the fire in French?), Bush is pissing off Asia (Way to go W), Condoleeza Rice has brokered a deal between Egypt, Israel, and the pseudo-palestinians that even eluded Reagan (Damn, that woman ROCKS!), I’m not hungry, sleepy, cold, or sexually frustrated.
I can’t figure out what to bitch about.
So, my contribution to the blogosphere today is this list of all the four letter words I can think of.
Enjoy
Abbe
abet
aces
ache
acid
acme
acne
acre
acts
adam
adar
adds
ados
adze
aeon
aery
afar
afts
ages
aged
agos
agog
ague
ahas
ahem
ahoy
aids
aide
ails
aims
airs
airy
ajar
akin
alae
alar
alas
albs
ales
alee
alga
alit
ally
alms
aloe
alps
also
alto
alum
amah
amen
amid
amir
amos
amyl
anal
ands
anew
anil
anon
ants
ante
anti
anus
apes
aped
apse
aqua
arab
arcs
arch
ares
area
aria
arid
arks
arms
army
arse
arts
arty
arum
asea
ashy
asks
asps
atom
atop
auks
auld
aunt
aura
auto
aves
aver
avid
avow
away
awls
awns
awry
axes
axil
axis
axle
axon
ayah
ayes
baas
baal
babe
baby
back
baco
bade
bags
bahs
bail
bait
bake
bald
bale
balk
ball
balm
bans
band
bane
bang
bank
bars
barb
bard
bare
bark
barm
barn
base
bask
bass
bats
bate
bath
bawd
bays
bead
beak
beam
bean
bear
beat
beau
beck
beds
bees
beef
been
beep
beer
beet
begs
bell
belt
bend
bent
berg
berm
best
bets
beta
bevy
beys
bias
bibs
bids
bide
bier
biff
bike
bile
bilk
bill
bins
bind
bios
bird
birl
bits
bite
bitt
blab
blat
bled
blew
blip
blob
bloc
blot
blow
blue
blur
boas
boar
boat
bobs
bode
body
boer
bogs
boil
bola
bold
bole
boll
bolo
bolt
bomb
bond
bone
bony
boos
boob
book
boom
boon
boor
boot
bops
bore
born
bosh
boss
bots
bott
bout
bows
bowl
boys
bras
brad
brae
brag
bran
bray
bred
brew
brig
brim
brow
brut
bubo
buck
buds
buff
bugs
buhl
bulb
bulk
bull
bums
bump
buns
buna
bund
bung
bunk
bunt
bouy
burs
burr
burg
burl
burn
bush
buss
bust
buts
butt
buys
buzz
cabs
cads
cafe
cage
cain
cake
calf
calk
call
calm
calx
cams
came
camp
cans
cane
cant
caps
cape
cars
carb
card
care
carl
carp
cart
case
cash
cask
cast
cats
cave
cavy
caws
cays
cede
ceil
cell
celt
cent
cere
chad
chap
char
chat
chef
chew
chis
chic
chin
chip
chit
chop
chow
chub
chug
chum
cite
city
clad
clam
clan
clap
claw
clay
clew
clip
clod
clog
clot
cloy
club
clue
coal
coat
coax
cobs
coca
cock
coco
cods
code
coed
cogs
coif
coil
coin
coir
coke
cola
cold
cole
colt
coma
comb
come
cone
cons
conk
cony
cook
cool
coon
coop
coot
cope
copt
copy
cord
core
cork
corm
corn
cost
cote
cots
coup
cove
cows
cowl
cozy
crab
crag
cram
crap
craw
cree
crew
crib
crop
crow
crud
crux
cubs
cube
cuds
cues
cuff
cull
cult
cups
curs
curb
curd
cure
curl
curt
cusp
cuss
cuts
cute
cyst
czar
dabs
dada
dado
daft
dago
dais
dale
dams
dame
damn
damp
dans
dane
dang
dank
dare
dark
darn
dart
dash
data
date
daub
davy
dawn
days
dead
deaf
deal
dean
dear
debt
deck
deed
deem
deep
deer
deft
defy
dele
deli
dens
dent
deny
desk
devo
dial
dice
dido
dies
diet
digs
dike
dill
dime
dine
ding
dint
dips
dire
dirk
dirt
disc
dish
disk
diva
dive
dock
dodo
does
doff
dogs
doge
dogy
dole
doll
dome
done
dont
doom
door
dope
dorm
dory
dose
dots
dote
doth
dour
dove
down
drag
dram
draw
dray
dreg
drew
drib
drip
drop
drow
drub
drug
drum
dual
dubs
duck
duct
duds
dude
dues
duet
duff
duke
dull
duly
dumb
dump
duns
dune
dung
dupe
dura
dust
duty
dyke
dyne
each
ears
earl
earn
ease
east
easy
eats
eave
ebbs
echo
ecru
eddy
eden
edge
edgy
edit
eels
eggs
eggo
egis
egos
ekes
elam
elan
elks
ells
elms
else
elul
emir
emit
emus
ends
envy
eons
epic
ergs
ergo
erie
erne
eros
erse
erst
esau
espy
etch
eves
even
ever
evil
ewer
ewes
exit
eyes
ezra
face
fact
fade
fags
fail
fair
fake
fall
fans
fang
fare
farm
faro
fart
fast
fats
fate
faun
faux
fawn
faze
fear
feat
fees
feed
feel
feet
fell
felt
fens
fend
feod
fern
fest
fete
feud
fiat
fids
fief
fife
figs
fiji
file
fill
film
fins
find
fine
finn
fink
fire
firm
fish
fist
fits
five
fizz
flag
flak
flap
flat
flaw
flax
flay
flea
flee
flew
flex
flip
flit
floe
flog
flop
flow
flub
flue
flux
foal
foam
fobs
foes
fogs
fogy
foil
fold
folk
fond
font
food
fool
foot
fops
ford
fore
fork
form
fort
foul
four
fowl
foxy
frag
frat
fray
free
fret
frog
from
fuck
fuel
full
fume
fund
funk
furl
fury
fuse
fuze
fuzz
gaff
gags
gaga
gage
gail
gain
gait
gals
gala
gale
gall
game
gamin
gamy
gang
gaol
gaps
gape
garb
gash
gasp
gats
gate
gaul
gave
gawk
gays
gaze
gear
gels
gems
gene
gens
gent
genu
germ
gest
gets
ghat
ghee
gibe
gift
gigs
gild
gill
gilt
gins
gink
gird
girl
girt
gist
give
glad
glee
glib
glob
glow
glue
glum
glut
gnat
gnaw
gnus
goes
goad
goal
goat
gobs
gobo
goby
gods
gold
gone
gong
good
goof
goon
gore
gory
gosh
goth
gout
gown
grab
grad
gram
gray
grew
grid
grim
grin
grip
grit
grog
grow
grub
gulf
gull
gulp
gums
guns
guru
gush
gust
guts
guys
gyms
hack
hadj
haft
hags
haha
hail
hair
hale
half
hall
halo
halt
hand
hang
hank
hard
hare
hark
harm
harp
hart
hash
hasp
hast
hats
hate
haul
have
hawk
haze
head
heal
heap
hear
heat
heck
heed
heel
heft
heil
heir
held
hell
helm
help
hemp
hens
hers
hera
herb
herd
here
hero
herr
hewn
hick
hide
hied
hifi
high
hike
hill
hilt
hind
hint
hips
hire
hiss
hits
hive
hoar
hoax
hobo
hock
hods
hoes
hogs
hold
hole
holy
home
homo
hone
honk
hood
hoof
hook
hoop
hoot
hops
hope
horn
hose
host
hour
hove
howl
hubs
hues
huff
hugehula
hulk
hull
huns
hunk
hunt
hupa
hurl
hurt
hush
husk
huts
hwan
hyla
hymn
hype
hypo
iago
iamb
ibex
ibis
iced
icon
idea
ides
idol
idyl
ikon
ilex
ilks
ills
illy
imps
inca
inks
inky
inns
into
ions
iota
ipso
iran
iraq
iris
irks
iron
isle
itch
itll
jabs
jack
jade
jags
jail
jams
jamb
japs
jars
java
jaws
jays
jazz
jean
jeep
jeer
jell
jerk
jest
jets
jews
jibs
jibe
jiff
jigs
jilt
jinx
jive
jizm
jizz
jobs
jogs
joel
john
join
joke
jolt
josh
jots
joss
jove
jowl
joys
jude
judo
jugs
juke
july
jump
june
junk
jury
just
jute
kale
kata
kayo
keel
keen
keep
kegs
kelp
kelt
kent
kept
kerb
kern
keys
khan
kick
kids
kill
kiln
kilt
kind
kine
king
kink
kips
kirk
kiss
kits
kite
kith
kiwi
klan
knee
knew
knit
knob
knot
know
kola
kurd
labs
lace
lack
lacy
lads
lade
lady
lags
laic
laid
lain
lair
lake
lama
lamb
lame
lamp
land
lane
lang
lank
laos
laps
lard
lark
lash
lass
last
late
lath
laud
lava
laws
lawn
lead
leaf
leah
leak
lean
leap
lear
leda
lees
leek
leer
left
legs
lend
lens
lent
leon
less
lest
lets
lett
levi
levy
lewd
libs
lice
lick
lies
lied
lien
life
lift
like
lily
limb
lime
limp
limy
line
link
liny
lips
lira
lisp
list
live
load
loaf
loah
loam
loan
lobe
loch
loci
lock
loco
lode
loft
logs
loge
logo
logy
loki
loll
lone
long
look
loom
loon
loop
loot
lope
lord
lore
lorn
lory
lose
loss
lost
lots
loth
loud
love
lows
luau
luck
luff
lugs
luke
lull
lump
luna
lung
lure
lurk
lush
lust
lute
lynx
lyra
lyre
lyse
maam
mace
made
magi
mage
maid
mail
maim
main
make
male
mall
malt
mane
many
maps
mars
mare
mark
marl
mash
mask
mass
mast
mats
mate
maul
maws
maya
mayo
maze
mead
meal
mean
meat
meek
meet
meld
melt
mens
mend
mere
mesa
mesh
mess
mete
mews
mibs
mica
mick
mien
miff
migs
mike
mild
mile
milk
mill
milt
mind
mine
ming
mini
mint
mink
minx
mire
miss
mist
mitt
mixt
moan
moat
mobs
mock
mode
moil
mold
mole
moll
molt
moms
monk
mono
mons
mood
moon
moor
moot
mops
mope
more
morn
moro
moss
most
mots
mote
moth
moue
move
mows
much
muck
muff
mugs
mule
mull
mums
murk
muse
mush
musk
muss
must
mute
mutt
myna
myth
nabs
naes
nags
naif
nail
name
naps
nape
narc
nard
nare
nave
navy
nays
nazi
neap
near
neat
neck
need
neer
neon
nest
nets
news
newt
next
nibs
nice
nick
nigh
nike
nils
nile
nina
nine
nips
nisi
nits
nono
nobs
nock
node
nods
noel
nogs
nohs
noid
nona
none
nook
noon
nope
norm
nose
nosy
nots
note
noun
nova
nubs
nude
null
numb
nuns
nuts
oafs
oaks
oars
oats
oath
obey
obis
obit
oboe
odds
odes
odin
odor
ogee
ogle
ogre
ohms
oils
oily
okie
okra
olds
oleo
olio
olla
omen
omit
once
ones
only
onto
onus
onyx
oort
ooze
oozy
opal
opec
open
opus
oral
orbs
ores
orgy
orts
oses
osee
otto
ouch
ours
outs
ovas
oval
oven
over
ovum
owes
owls
owns
oxen
oyez
paba
pace
pack
pact
pads
page
paid
pail
pain
pair
pals
pale
pali
pall
palm
palp
pans
pane
pant
papa
pars
pard
pare
park
parr
part
pass
past
pats
pate
path
paul
pave
paws
pawl
pawn
paid
pays
peas
peak
peal
pean
pear
peat
peck
peel
peen
peep
peer
pegs
pelf
pelt
pens
pend
pent
peon
peps
pere
perk
perm
pert
perv
peso
pest
pets
pews
phis
pica
pick
pict
pies
pied
pigs
pike
pile
pill
pima
pine
pins
ping
pink
pint
pips
pipe
pipy
piss
pits
pith
pity
pius
pixy
plan
plat
play
plea
pled
plod
plop
plot
plow
ploy
plug
plum
plus
pock
poco
pods
poem
poet
pogo
pogs
pogy
poke
poky
pole
poll
polo
poly
pomp
pond
pone
pons
pony
pooh
pool
poop
poor
poot
pops
pore
pork
port
pose
post
pots
pour
pout
poxy
pram
pray
prep
prey
prig
prim
proa
prod
prom
prop
prow
psis
pubs
pube
puce
puck
puds
puff
pugs
puke
pull
pulp
puma
pump
puns
punk
punt
pups
pupa
pure
purl
purr
push
putt
pyre
quay
quid
quip
quit
quiz
race
rack
racy
raff
raft
rags
rage
rahs
raid
rail
rain
rake
rale
rams
ramp
rand
rang
rank
rant
raps
rape
rapt
rare
rase
rash
rasp
rats
rate
rave
rays
raze
razz
read
real
ream
reap
rear
reck
reds
redo
reed
reef
reel
reek
reft
rein
rely
remo
rend
rent
repp
rest
revs
rhea
rhos
rial
ribs
rice
rich
rick
rids
ride
rife
riff
rift
rigs
rile
rill
rims
rime
rind
ring
riot
ripe
rips
rise
risk
rite
rive
road
roam
roan
roar
robs
robe
rocs
rock
rods
rode
role
roll
rome
romp
rood
roof
rook
room
root
rope
ropy
rose
rosy
rots
rote
rout
roux
rove
rows
roys
rubs
rube
ruby
rude
rues
ruff
rugs
ruin
rule
rums
rump
runs
rune
rung
runt
ruse
rush
rusk
rust
ruts
ruth
ryes
sacs
sack
safe
sags
saga
sage
sago
said
sail
sake
sale
salt
same
samp
sand
sane
sang
sank
sans
saps
sard
sari
sash
sass
sate
sauk
saul
save
saws
sawn
says
scab
scad
scam
scan
scar
scat
scot
scow
scry
scud
scum
scup
scut
seas
seal
seam
sear
seat
seco
sect
sees
seed
seek
seem
seen
seep
seer
sego
self
sell
semi
sens
send
sent
sere
serf
sets
seta
sews
sexy
shad
shag
shah
sham
shed
shew
shim
shin
ship
shit
shoe
shoo
shop
shot
show
shun
shut
sibs
sick
side
sids
sift
sigh
sign
sikh
silk
sill
silt
simp
sins
sine
sing
sink
sion
sips
sirs
sire
sits
siva
size
sizy
skew
skis
skid
skim
skin
skip
skit
skua
slab
slag
slam
slap
slat
slav
sled
slew
slim
slip
slob
sloe
slop
slot
slow
slue
slug
slum
slur
slut
smug
smut
snag
snap
snip
snob
snow
snub
snug
soak
soap
soar
sobs
sods
soda
sofa
soft
soil
sold
sole
solo
soma
some
sons
song
sony
soon
soot
sops
sora
sorb
sore
sort
soso
sots
soto
sous
soul
soup
sour
sows
soys
spas
span
spar
spat
spay
spaz
sped
spew
spin
spit
spot
spud
spue
spun
spur
stab
stag
star
stay
sted
stem
step
stet
stir
stop
stow
stub
stud
stun
styx
subs
such
suck
suds
sued
suit
sulk
sums
sump
suns
sung
sunk
sups
surd
sure
surf
swab
swag
swan
swap
swat
sway
swig
swim
swop
swum
tabs
tace
tack
tact
tael
taen
tags
tais
tail
take
tacl
tale
talk
tall
tams
tame
tamp
tans
tang
tank
taps
tape
tare
tarn
taro
tart
task
tats
taus
taut
taws
taxi
teas
teak
team
teal
tear
teat
tech
teds
tees
teem
teen
tell
temp
tens
tend
tent
term
tern
test
text
thai
than
that
thaw
thee
them
then
theo
they
thin
this
thou
thor
thro
thru
thud
thug
thus
tics
tick
tide
tidy
ties
tier
tiff
tile
till
tilt
time
tina
tins
ting
tint
tiny
tips
tire
tiro
tits
toad
toby
todo
toes
togs
toga
toil
told
toll
tomb
tome
toms
tons
tone
tong
tony
took
tool
toot
tops
tors
tore
tort
tory
toss
tots
tote
tour
tout
tows
town
tram
trap
tree
terk
trey
trig
trim
trio
trip
trod
tron
trot
trow
troy
true
tubs
tuba
tube
tuck
tufa
tuff
tuft
tugs
tuns
tuna
tune
tung
tupi
turd
turf
turk
turn
tush
tuts
tutu
twig
twin
twit
twos
tyke
type
typo
tyro
ughs
ugly
ulna
undo
unit
unto
upas
upon
ural
urdu
urea
urge
uric
urns
ursa
used
uses
user
utes
vain
vale
vamp
vans
vane
vary
vasa
vase
vast
vats
veda
veer
vega
vein
vend
vent
verb
very
vest
vets
veto
vial
vibe
vice
vide
vied
vies
view
vile
vina
vine
viny
viol
visa
vise
viva
vive
void
vole
volt
vote
vows
wads
wade
wadi
waft
wags
wage
waif
wail
wain
wait
wake
wale
walk
wall
walt
wand
wane
want
wars
ward
ware
warm
warn
warp
wart
wary
wash
wasp
wast
watt
wave
wavy
ways
weak
weal
wean
wear
webs
weer
weed
week
ween
weep
weft
weir
weld
well
welt
wend
went
wept
were
west
wets
weve
what
when
whet
whew
whey
whig
whim
whin
whip
whir
whit
whiz
whoa
whom
whop
wich
wick
wide
wife
wigs
wild
wile
will
wilt
wins
wind
wine
wing
wink
winy
wipe
wire
wise
wish
wisp
wits
with
woad
woes
woks
wold
wolf
womb
woos
wood
woof
wool
word
wore
work
worm
worn
wort
wove
wows
wrap
wren
writ
xmas
xray
yaks
yams
yang
yank
yaps
yard
yarn
yaws
yawl
yawn
yawp
yeas
yeah
yean
year
yegg
yell
yens
yews
yids
yips
yipe
yoga
yogh
yogi
yoke
yolk
yore
york
youd
your
yowl
yoyo
yule
yuks
yuma
yurt
zach
zany
zarf
zeal
zebu
zeds
zees
zend
zero
zest
zeta
zeus
zinc
zing
zion
zips
zone
zoos
zoom
zulu
zuni
zyme

Chicken

2005-11-15T15:34:00.000-06:00

I drew this picture of a chicken because this is my blog & I can post what I want.

Don't get mad God I'm only teasin'

2005-11-15T10:52:00.000-06:00

A dozen or so years ago I was at church (skipping the sermon with some friends) we were upstairs playing pool in the game room, and discussing, of all things, our faith & the finances of the church.
As a humorous aside I proposed a new type of church financing, not based on the tithe. My proposal was "The Church Of The 100% Money Back Guarantee".
In most of the Christian churches that I’m familiar with everybody tithes 10% whether or not they get anything out of the church for their money. Some folks go to church for years at a time & never get a good miracle, others just get blessed left & right whether they’re current on their tithes or not. So, I proposed a more equitably fair system of spiritual financing.
First off instead of praying willie-nillie for just any old thing, there would be a McDonald’s style menu board behind the pulpit, with a price out next to each of the miracles and a time period. Say, you lose your car keys, that would be a 24 hour miracle, and would cost around two bucks, you pay the cashier on your way out & get your miracle ticket. After 24 hours if you still haven’t found your keys you present your time stamped ticket to the cashier, and SHAZAM! you get your two bucks back, or if you find your key we keep the money. Or, say you think you might have knocked up your secretary, that would be a nine month miracle and cost $478.98. Now, here’s where it starts to get a little complicated. At the end of nine months if no baby is born we keep the money, but if a baby is born we return your money. However, because boning your secretary is a sin, we keep 5% as a sin tax, and to keep us from telling your wife.
Now, miracle charges will bring in cash, but only for the miracles granted. To supplement church income the money you pay for your miracle will be instantly invested, via the internet, in high yield mutual funds, then cashed out if your miracle fails during the prearranged time period. The interest earned will be reinvested by the church.
Near the end of the year all of the money not needed for the churches operating expenses will be divided among the members, and presented as a dividend check, just in time for Christmas gift buying season, because "The Church Of The 100% Money Back Guarantee" remembers the reason for the season.
The church could even develop a group of "disciples" that could go around, and oh, let’s say "expedite" some miracles.
And, we could wear funny hats.
I don’t think you can be accepted as a serious religion unless you make your clergy wear funny hats.
And, the clergy would have to have real jobs. Working one day a week is just silly.

Well, bless your heart!

2005-11-14T16:42:00.000-06:00

"LOL" seems to be the new substitute for the old "Bless your heart." as the universal verbal pacifier. The old saw goes that down here in the south you can tell someone anything as long as you preface or close your comment with "Bless your heart." i.e..
Oh, my God! you’ve put on 40 pounds! Bless your heart.
or
Bless your heart, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!
LOL, you type like fourth grader.
or
I bet you’re some kind of hairy palmed, mouth breather, aren’t you? LOL!
I don’t know if this is positive or negative I’m just making the observation.
It just seems as if LOL has become the universal unoffender.
The only derogatory thing I can think of about the practice is that occasionally it takes a little of the "umfff" out of a statement that might other wise be more thought provoking. Besides, I like to offend people once in a while. Being too easily offended tends to show a limited thoughtfulness. Always look for the humor you ignorant dumbass. LOL, I mean bless your heart.

Pig Pickin' Party!!!

2005-11-11T10:52:00.000-06:00

Long ago the Arawak indians of the Caribbean taught the Spanish explorers how to cook goats & pigs over piles of slow burning green sticks. Then the Spaniards killed off the indians by fucking them and giving them VD, and by shooting them full of musket balls. The indians called this slow, low heat method of cooking "barbacoa" which means "wooden sticks". This is the origin of the word "barbecue", also since later Caribbean pirates were so fond of this cooking method they became known as "Barbacoaneers" which later became "Buccaneers". Cool, huh?
This weekend a friend of mine, WL, will be having a pig picking party. This begins with a big pile of tasty hardwood, which, thanks to hurricane Katrina, we are in no short supply of. Next you need a pig between a 100 & 120 pounds, or about the size of the average cocktail waitress. You kill & eviscerate the pig, around 8pm you start a fire in a pit and start consuming alcohol. While waiting for the fire to burn down to coals you wrap the pig in goat wire & attach a couple of lengths of re-bar to serve as handles later. Around midnight you put the pig in the pit above the coals & cover the pit with sheet metal roofing, and consume more alcohol. The temperature in the pit is controlled by opening & closing holes around the bottom & moving the sheet metal cover around. Periodically WL takes a pump-up insecticide sprayer filled with a vinegar, water & spices & yummy good stuff & pokes it in the pit to hose down the pig, then he consumes alcohol. Then around 6 or 7am comes the flipping of the pig. The pit is partially disassembled and several guys flip the pig. At this point the fire may need some tending and the pit is reassembled, and alcohol may need to be consumed. This all goes on for a while longer a alcohol is being consumed. Around noon folks start showing up with bread side dishes and alcohol, and stuff. The smell is so goood you can barely stand it, so you consume some more alcohol. The about 2pm you open the pit & move the pig to a tressle table built of boards & saw horses. This is why the pig was originally wrapped in goat wire. After this long slow cooking the meat will literally slide off the bones the wire is to hold the pig together until you can get it to the table. At this point it smell soooo goood that novices will be tempted to grab a hunk of pig, but be warned, the pig is HOT. Some will go for it anyway and burn their fingers & tongues. After a little cooling everybody gathers for the picking of the pig. WL says the best meat is from the cheek just below the eye. Personally I like the pig’s ass cheek. This pig is so good that when you take your fist bite the heavens open and choirs of angels sing hosannas through tears of pure joy. I like to take a half a loaf of bread, tear it open, and stuff in a couple of handfuls of pig butt. No condiments are required. To adulterate this pig would be sacrilegious. All you need is a pitcher of ice cold beer to wash it down with.

I weep for the kosher.

Happy Veterans' Day

2005-11-11T09:43:00.000-06:00

Today is Veterans’ Day.
So, I’m putting up a little post to suggest that everybody out there, be you pro-war, or anti-war, Republican, or Democrat, conservative, or liberal, right, or wrong, smart, or stupid, just shut your collective pie holes, and remember that a patriot stood up, put on a uniform, stood between you, and those who would take away your freedom.

On another note.

The soldier above is firing a fully-automatic 40mm grenade launcher capable of firing nearly 200 rounds per minute.
Is that fucking cool or what!!!
Suck on it you suicide bombing, islamofascist BIATCH!
AMERICA ROCKS!!
G. I. Joe kicks ass!!!

The snobfest that wouldn't die!

2005-11-09T13:46:00.000-06:00

When Coca-cola withdrew their sponsorship I thought it would die.
Die! Die! Die!
But, nooooo, Junior Miss lives.
At my job I have the dubious honor of preparing the souvenir booklets for several local Jr. Miss pageants. Yes, I said PAGEANT! Junior Miss has abolished that word from all of their literature because they don’t want people to think the pageant is a pageant. Now they call it a scholarship program. When you take a bunch of jail bait & parade it up and down on stage so the Judges can determine which chick will likely turn out to be the best wife/mom it’s a freaking pageant. At the local level they spend thousands of dollars on dresses, poise lessons, etc. in order to win a few hundred in scholarships from the pawn shop that provided the tiara, & the catfish shack, & the local Mary Kay lady.
They almost never pick the best looking girl ‘cause the judges don’t want people to think they were checking out the white satin wrapped asses. But, never mind about the hog show aspects of the pageant I posted about that back when Coke dropped ‘em.
When the folder came across my desk I said, "No, this can’t be."
But, it is.
Some local funding has been found so some of the local pageants can still go on.
The winners will not go on to county, regional, state, or national or whatever. They just get to be oggled by the local judges then it’s over. Satin dress back in the box, tiara on the mantle, chastity belt back in the sock drawer.
The point?
There is no point.
Except that some of the wealthier local parents are unable let go of the ceremony that allows them to prove that their daughters really are better than everybody else’s.
And, their sons will be able to say, "Yep, she’s a good one. Former Jr. Miss ya know." at the local chamber of commerce weenie roast.
"Gee, look at the great hog I raised!"

Help support Renee & Angela

2005-11-08T12:45:00.000-06:00

I am making a plea for support for two young ladies, Renee Thomas & Angela Keathley, who were kicked off the Carolina Panthers cheerleading team for having sex in the bathroom of a bar. http://www.local6.com/news/5274650/detail.html This is completely reprehensible. What this country needs is more hot chicks munchin' carpet in public restrooms. I don't even know what kind of football these "Panthers" are into, but if they'll put these chicks back on the squad I'll start watchin.
I might even buy a jersey.
Besides they're CHEERLEADERS for the love of christmas!!!
Cheerleaders can do whatever they want.
That's like a rule or something.
It might even be in the bible, or the constitution, or the Magna Carta or something!
And they're LESBIAN cheerleaders!
Most professional football teams would give a first round draght pick's left nut for LESBIAN CHEEERLEADERS!!! (at least they should)
Our founding fathers brought forth this nation in FREEDOM! and that includes the freedom of hot lesbian cheerleaders to rub fur clams wherever and whenever they want.
I don't know if I want to live in a country where hot lesbian cheerleaders can't go bean flickin' in the bathroom.
I don't condone their violent acts, but regular chicks ought to just cross their legs & hold it while the dikes get their didlin' done.
So, please, contact the Carolina Panthers at feedback@panthers.nfl.com and let the panthers know that you want them to rehire this brave pair of Americans.
Let's make the country safe for:
Baseball
Mom
Apple Pie
& Hot Lesbian Cheerleaders
God Bless America!!!

Wow!

2005-11-08T12:32:00.000-06:00

I've got to try this!
http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-sushi04.html
It involves my two favorite things in the whole world. (That I can do in public)
Sushi & semi-nude women!

Burn Baby Burn!!!

2005-11-08T09:41:00.000-06:00

I have been amused by the current French riots. I know the situation is nothing to laugh at, but jumpin christmas people, the riots started twelve days ago, and yesterday Jack Chirack (I know I didn’t spell it right, I don’t have enough respect for him to care) came under criticism for calling the rioters "scum". They’re burning cars, schools, & hospitals with Molotov Cocktails, I don’t think a little harsh language is out of line. Jack Cheeserack won’t even let the cops shoot at them. Isn’t it a crime to burn a car in France? (Well, considering it’s probably a Citroen, Renault, or Pugeot the rioters are probably doing them a favor.)
I think the problem is nomenclature.
They keep referring to the rioters as "Youths" or "Muslim Activists" when what they are is "Criminals". When a cop sees a someone with an incendiary device he should say, "Stop, you’re under arrest." and take them to jail.
If they use violence toward the cop, shoot them.
The French, however, are planning on imposing a curfew. So, asking the criminals to stay indoors will keep them from burning hospitals.
My solution would be to tell the public at large, "If you see someone with a flaming bottle full of gasoline, shoot them."
Often, throughout history, conflicts have been successfully resolved by simply shooting enough of the offenders.
The French have asked the local Mullahs to ask their "Youths" the throwing things & setting things on fire. The Mullahs have responded by telling the French to remove themselves from Muslim territory. (By "Muslim territory" they refer to the Parisian suburbs and other Islamic communities within France) This might actually work, at least now the Mullahs have provided the French with someone to surrender to.

I solve illegal immigration

2005-11-04T12:37:00.000-06:00

Let’s annex Mexico!
It’s not as crazy as it sounds. An awful lot of Mexicans seem to want to be Americans. Their risking life and limb to get across the border only to work at low wage jobs. And, if all the Mexicans eventually move up here, there won’t be anybody left in Mexico and that seems like an awful waste of a country.
So, if we annex Mexico all the Mexicans would then become Americans, and they wouldn’t have to leave home.
Everybody would be happy.
It would be advantageous to us current Americans too. Mexico is just chock full of natural resources. Mexico has large deposits of silver, copper, salt, fluorspar, iron, manganese, sulfur, phosphate, zinc, tungsten, molybdenum, mercury, gold, and gypsum. It has some of the worlds largest forest reserves. Mexico ranked eighth in the world in the total value of its crude oil production. It is also among the world’s top producers of celestite, sodium sulfate, antimony, white arsenic, bismuth, and graphite. The problem is that Mexico’s economy is completely fucked up. They don’t have the capital or the fiscal infrastructure to develop their resources. The main goal of the Mexican government seems to be talking all their poor people into moving to U.S.
So, all you Mexicans down there that want to be Americans (and you know you do) just go the Mexico City find a member of your government, and tell him to write a letter to:
George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500-0001
Requesting annexation of the country of "Estados Unidos Mexicanos". If he (or she) refuses to do so, club him death, and find another one. Sooner or later someone will come around. Shooting them would be okay too, but I understand you beaners are real poor, so I didn’t know if you could afford a gun. A machete would work too. Everybody in Mexico’s got a machete right?
Well, good luck on the Coup. I hope to be welcoming you soon to this great American experience. I’ll be boning up on my Spanish.
Speaking of Spanish, doesn’t the word "gordita" refer to a fat little girl?

Let's see how many people I can piss off today!

2005-11-04T11:05:00.000-06:00

It has long been my opinion that Democrats are stupid.
Not the politicians, but the voters. The Dem politicians can be quite a crafty bunch. (they just don’t seem to be able to win elections any more) And, I’m not talking about Liberals. (or leftists) I’ve heard rumors that there may be intelligent liberals.
Here I am only going to site two examples to bolster my opinion, but I believe they are compelling.
The first example was the aftermath of the 2000 election.
Democrats actually claimed that they were too stupid to figure out Florida’s ballot. Think about it. The Democrats tried to convince the country that they were stupid, and that their own stupidity skewed the election results.
My second example was after the election of 2004. (which W won by five MILLION votes) John Kerry claimed that Ohio Republicans had plastered heavily Democratic neighborhoods with flyers, and a phone message that said that Republicans would be voting on Tuesday, and Democrats would be voting on Wednesday to ease overcrowding at the polls. You must admit that someone moronic enough to believe such a flyer, or phone call would only be matched in stupidity by someone who would believe that such calls were made, or such flyers were handed out. A few days later Hillary Clinton (the "smartest" woman in the world) made a speech in which she reiterated John Kerry’s claims.

Please comment. I’m begging for it.

Hugs & kisses.
- Bert

Deer Deer Deer

2005-10-31T16:29:00.000-06:00

This Saturday I went to Wal-Mart.
I had to.
I didn’t have a choice.
While walking through the sporting goods area, I was confronted by a life-size, animated, rubber deer head, mounted on a plaque, and enthusiastically singing an old country & western tune.
This was the most terrifying thing that I have thus come across this Halloween season.
Not necessarily because Wal-Mart carried such an asinine object, but that there were enough people living around me that would buy such an abomination, that Wal-Mart would stock them. I’m sure that Wal-Mart spends considerable amounts of money on market research, etc.
This is what they came up with?
I don’t know if I should be offended that some research organization determined that Hattiespatch, MS was the kind of place that was deficient of REALLY stupid things to hang on our walls.
Perhaps this is some kind of test.
Maybe the government is marketing these trophy troubadours in some nefarious conspiracy. They could plant a chip in the deer’s head, and then track down the moron that bought the thing, and swoop in with one of their black helicopters in whisper mode, and pump some sort of gas into the purchaser’s house (or trailer) that would sterilize them, thus removing some of the pond scum from the gene pool.

Just a thought.

Happy Halloween?

2005-10-28T12:22:00.000-05:00

George Takai who played Lieutenant Sulu on the sixties television show "Star Trek" has come out of the closet, this week. Honestly, I don’t think he was too deep in the closet to begin with. He may not have been the only poof on the show though. Who can forget Scotty Hollerin’ "I’m givin’ ‘er all I got Captain." Hmmmm? I won’t get into the possible "Klingon", "Asteroids" & "Uranus" jokes. That’s too cheap even for me.
Of course there had to be some testosterone running around the Enterprise. Every chick on the ship was in a miniskirt & go-go boots. Even the aliens were hot. Who remembers the chick on the underground planet that wore the jumpsuit with two different color pant legs & the strappy things that went up over her tits? That episode was some prime after-school whack material right there buddy.
Did you ever wonder what they the crew of the Enterprise did all day? Sure, they fought aliens, and saved planets for an hour or so a day, but the rest of the time, what were they doing? Did Kirk just sit in his big chair, and watch his giant T.V. screen? Did it get any other channels besides the "Stars Going By" network? If it had been me, I’d have been goin’ "Hey, Ohura, come sit in my lap. Scotty, beam me a six-pack. Chekov, warm up those phasers. I wanna shoot somethin’!"
On a completely different note.
Earlier this week a woman hung herself in a tree next to a major thoroughfare. She hung up there most of the day in full view of hundreds of motorists & pedestrians. Apparently no one checked on her because they thought she was a Halloween decoration. I want to laugh my ass off over that, but decorum prevents.
When you think about it Halloween is weird time of the year. What other time of the year could you drive down the street with a truck load of dismembered bodies and not arouse suspicion? You could walk down the street with a hockey mask, a chainsaw, and a decapatated human head and not attract attention. You could slit someone’s throat on stage, and if you were wearing a Jack the Ripper costume you could probably get away with it.
Here’s wishing a happy Halloween to all the blogging ghoulies out there!

Dang it

2005-10-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

The powerball has been won by a guy in Oregon.
I was going to use the money to buy a small Pacific island and enslave the indigenous population.
Dang.
Thwarted again.

If you knew Sushi like I know Sushi!

2005-10-11T14:06:00.000-05:00

This post was inspired by a post & some comments on a friends blog. Thanks Ann & damnyankee.

Why Sushi is better than a girlfriend:

It's cheaper.
It’s more nutritious.
They always bring you a hot towel before hand.
Sushi doesn’t want to cuddle after.
Sushi never gets jealous if you eat other sushi.
You can eat sushi all month long.
You can use chopsticks, or your fingers.
The green stuff is tasty.
You can have more than one kind at the same time.
Sushi never wants to talk about your relationship.
Sushi won’t follow you home after you eat it.
You don’t have to get sushi drunk first.
You never have to do anything just because.
If you don’t have sushi for a few weeks, it’s still there when you want it.
You know why sushi smells like fish.
Sushi comes with a palate cleanser.
Sushi doesn’t mind if you dip it in soy sauce.
You’re never jealous of the guy who rolled it.
Sushi never has a headache.
Sushi always satisfies.
Sushi never minds if you just pay & leave.
You can eat sushi & drink beer at the same time.
You can get a piece for $3.75.
You don’t have to pretend to respect it after.
You don’t have to take sushi out before you eat it.
Sushi won’t get fat & wrinkly.
Sushi can’t file a restraining order.
Its easier to explain why your fingers smell funny.

Another reason to hate cats.

2005-10-10T10:55:00.000-05:00

It looks like the bird flu is gonna kill us all. So, we should be prepared for the pandemic. The flu pandemic of 1918 supposedly killed more people than WWII. Most reported cases of bird flu have resulted from people living in close contact with fowl. Recently a man in India, transferred the bird flu to his two children who had no contact with birds. So transfer from human to human is possible. Also, unlike most avian diseases, bird flu can be contracted by cats. So, people living in close contact with cats are advised to watch their animals for symptoms. It is believed that thorough cooking will kill the virus. When I heard this I immediately thought; in order to cook the fowl (or feline) thoroughly, wouldn’t you have to handle the raw flesh?
Note to self: Dump KFC & Buffalo Wild Wings stock.

Holy Shitake!

2005-10-07T11:43:00.000-05:00

Vladimir Ilich Lenin has been lying in state in a mausoleum in Red Square since 1924. The Russian people have been demanding that he be removed because he is a symbol of the past, and of the "old ways". He’s been layin’ around for 81 years! For the love of christmas BURY HIM! Also, he must be removed periodically from his glass coffin to be cleaned because he has developed the tendency to sprout mushrooms.

EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!

I’m not sure why, but I find this profoundly disturbing.

Dr. Feelgood?

2005-10-06T15:02:00.000-05:00

A woman in Oregon is suing her doctor for treating her lower back pain by having sex with her.
The 45 min. "treatments" went on for some time with no appreciable decrease in her pain.
I agree that the doctor in this case is a sleazeball and is clearly in the wrong. That being said, what kind of moron would fall for a line like that? I mean seriously, do they not have Doan’s Pills in Oregon? Tylenol? I figure she ought to just look on the bright side, at least she was gettin’ it for 45 mins. twice a week.
The doctor is also under federal indictment for billing Medicaid for the bogus treatments.

Li’l ol’ Wholesome Nekid

2005-10-04T14:24:00.000-05:00

Seattle, Washington recently passed a law making lap dances & sticking dollar bills in dancers’ G-strings illegal.
This will, of course, lead to the end of the exotic dancing industry there.

1. Exotic dancers make most of their money from tips.

2. Owners of dance clubs can’t afford to pay their dancers much more than they already do.

3. Unless the money is there clubs can’t attract really premium ass.

4. Many customers will not come to watch cheap skank ass dance.

5. The kind of customers who will show up to watch cheap skank ass dance are the kind of lowlifes you don’t want in your community.

6. The cheap skank ass that will dance for low lifes are almost always whores.

7. Most cheap skank ass whores use either crack, or crystal meth.

8. Where the cheap skank ass crack & meth whores are there are going to be crack & meth dealers along with the ancillary criminals, and their activities.

It is my contention that this new law will do more harm to the community than it will help.
What real harm does a lap dance do to the community? If a guy wants to stick a buck in a dancer’s g-string where is the damage to the body politic? Where in the Bible prohibition against ticklin’ a little bush?
Come on Seattle, it’s just a li’l ol’ good wholesome nekid.
Next thing ya’ know they’ll be outlawin’ the chicken wing. ;-)

Bert's Free Horoscope 4 U

2005-10-03T14:19:00.000-05:00

Check out my new horoscope blog: Bert’s Free Horoscope 4 U.
There’s a link around here somewhere.
I hope to be updating it monthly, so now you have free template to plan your sad little life around!
Just follow the advice & be wary of the predictions in BFH4U & at the very least your life won’t be any worse than it is now, and you won’t have to stumble blindly into the future, and make all those pesky decisions. Just put yourself in my capable hands and everything’s gon’ be fine.
Happy blogging!

Kool Filter Kings

2005-09-30T11:14:00.000-05:00

While looking through a box of junk from my recently deceased uncle’s house, I came across a bottle of "Hai-Karate". Anyone born after 1975 probably never heard of Hai-Karate, but for me it caused a levee in my brain to let loose, flooding the poorer ethnic sections of my brain with memories of the late ‘60s & early ‘70s . . . probably bombed from the government side. (Allusions courtesy of Calypso Louie)
I remember seeing Hai-Karate commercials on our 13" diagonal Zenith. My favorite started off with a Jamesbondesque character applying some of the aforementioned shave balm to his ruggedly handsome face. "Peter Gun" style theme music swells in the background. He steps out of a seedy brownstone in a bad part of town. A girl in plastic go-go boots and white lipstick casts a sidelong glance from beneath lizard blue eyelids. Her delicate Audrey Hepburn nostrils twitch and she turns to follow the man of mystery. Then a girl in a trenchcoat catches his scent and follows. Then another. And another. The next thing you know he’s running from a teeming throng of nubile Smantha Stevens’ evil cousin look-a-likes.
He uses his best Judo & Karate moves to escape his pursuers. (Hai-Karate get it?) Then, suddenly a rope ladder drops from the sky. He’s saved! Pseudobond climbs to safety, only to find a helicopter filled with refugees from a Russ Meyer flick, who immediately begin to rip off his clothes in preparation for some sort of off-camera, man rape.
Way back then I was still in my single digits, and wouldn’t see my first pube for another few years.
I thought, "If he didn’t want to be chased by a bunch of girls in blue eye shadow, what did he rub it on his face for in the first place?"
Besides, I was an Aqua-Velva man.
Aqua-Velva men rode motorbikes, climbed mountains, drove race cars, and hung ten on curling waves. There were usually a few girls around the Aqua-Velva men too, but I had the idea that they were ancillary to the cool activity schedule.
Besides, my dad was an Aqua-Velva man.
He had hair all the way down to his ears, a well trimmed handlebar moustache and drove a metallic lavender ‘67 Dodge Charger Hemi Fastback.

Trust me, in the late ‘60s in Mississippi City, MS you couldn’t find more man than that. When I was a toddler he used to take me down to the beach for one of his favorite games "Bikini Spotting".
Legend has it that my first word was, "Daddy", and my second word was, "Bikini".
So, as you can imagine, one of my early goals in life was to become an Aqua-Velva man.
For my third or fourth birthday I received a cube shaped bottle with a top like a tiny wooden barrel. It was "English Leather". I have no idea how the Brits treat their bovines, but that shit smelled nothing like cow hide. Also, English Leather was linked in commercials to the same girls with lizard blue eyelids that had tainted the image of Hai-Karate. Not only that, but these girls with their iridescent ocular coverings wanted their men to wear English Leather or "Nothing At All". Here in 2005 wearing nothing at all with an Emma Peel clone doesn’t sound too bad, but in the summer of ‘69 it was as unappealing as brussel sprouts, bathing, or bedtime.
I think the first time I saw blue eyeshadow was in a Kent’s department store in Hattiesburg. My mom & I had stopped in so she could buy cigarettes. (Smoking was still cool back then) The woman in line in front of us at the check-out was young and pretty. Her hair was impossibly black and was lacquered into the exact shape of a Godiva pudding-bowl motorcycle helmet. She had on white lipstick. She wore a bright purple mini-dress with a 4" wide white belt and a 4" white stripe down the front like an inverted cross pointing a her cooter. Below that was 4" of exposed thigh, followed up by shiny white plastic go-go boots that smelled like the 4" deep inflatable swimming pool in my backyard.
She turned and talked to my mom while they waited. She said how cute I looked. She looked down at me, and asked how I was doing, and wasn’t I just the cutest little thing. Then she blinked. I was mesmerized. Her eyelids were painted the exact same color as those of an anole lizard.
She bought two packs of Benson & Hedges. My mom bought the same thing.
For the longest time I though that pretty girls all smoked Benson & Hedges.
Older women who hated men, and were trying to look like pretty girls smoked Virginia Slims.
Boys smoked Camels.
I longed for the day I was old enough to smoke Kool Filter Kings.
Kool Filter Kings were smoked by Aqua-Velva men.

Posting post to post a post

2005-09-29T16:41:00.000-05:00

I felt like posting today, but I can't think of anything to post about, so I'm just going to post a Christmas poem I wrote a few years ago.
Here goes.

'Twas a "hic" night 'fore Chris "hic" mas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all ‘round my home
Were guests and relations, a few were quite stoned
From the party just ending that Christmas eve night
They staggered & stumbled & made such a sight
Saying good-bye as they left for the evening
As I gathered up all their Christmas tide leavings
A half sack of wack & a bottle of Brooks
And some real special brownies that somebody’d cooked
Some bottles of wine & some bottles of beer
Told tale of the guests who had left in good cheer
I set the leftovers on the floor by the fire
And wandered upstairs to my bed to retire
As I was drifting toward well deserved sleep
From the floor down below I heard a soft creak
Then a thump, and a footstep, a cough, and a sneeze
My heartbeat grew heavy, my breath was a wheeze
I knew now for sure that there was someone there
I picked up my Colt and I crept to the stair
I came to the landing from there to see down
To the living room scene from whence came the sound
Of this fat motherfucker who was scarfing my stash
He’d eaten my brownies & smoked up my hash
He guzzled my bourbon with unrestrained glee
Then walked down the hall to the bathroom to pee
I picked up a pillow to muffle the blast
And without hesitation popped a cap in his ass
He fell to the floor with a wet meaty thump
And lay there quite still in a red & white clump
I searched through the house for his method of entry
My dog having proved to be shit for a sentry
Out on the lawn there stood munching on hay
Eight goddamn reindeer attached to a sleigh
There was no snow, on the ground, not a flake
So how did it get there, there must be some mistake
I went to examine this deer powered sled
And found there were presents piled high in the bed
I climbed to the seat to check out the loot
Gameboys, & yo-yos, a basketball hoop
Dollies, & teddies both stuffed and to wear
Bicycles, skates and an X-box were there
Popular gifts for girls and for boys
Even a few of those adult type toys
You know the kind that are shaped like a prick
For ladies & faggots who can’t get no dick
I turned to the reigns, the deer stamped in alarm
I tried to assure them they wouldn’t be harmed
As I looked round the cockpit surprised what I’d found
A whip that said one smack for up, two for down
A smack on the left & they turn to the right
Figure the rest out you seem pretty bright
So I snapped the whip once o’er their heads with delight
And fast as a comet rose into the night
On Dasher on Dancer on Chewy & Paco
On Sleepy & Dopey on Nancy & Rocko
Hattiesburg faded away in the evening
Before me I knew not where the reindeer were leading
Down to the coast in the blink of an eye
Approaching Mach 2 we tore through the sky
Casinos & shrimp boats soon shrank in our wake
We hung a quick left then we got a bad break
Coastal defense with some fast F14s
Had scrambled to shoot down my sled & my team
We dodged & we ran from their sidewinder missiles
Then settled to earth like the down of a thistle
And where did we land with SAC on our tail
But the Mousetrap-A-Go Go in Fort Lauderdale
I landed the sled on a Cadillac car
I tied up the deer & strolled into the bar
Four different strippers had a dance in my lap
So I picked out one with a really nice rack
I took her out side to check out my sled
We hopped in the back & ...
well lets just say it’s my poem & I’ll finish it any way I want to

Cool

2005-09-28T17:51:00.000-05:00

I can post from my cell!

'Tis an ill wind that blows no good

2005-09-28T09:42:00.000-05:00

Last night I was awakened at about 3:00 a.m. by a scent.
This was no ordinary funk, but a reeking, breath banishing, eye stinging miasma.
This stench was worst than bad cheese rotting inside a putrescent cod dipped in a septic tank and fermented under the backside of the Devil’s ball sack.
It smelled worse than a Peugeot full of Frenchmen.
As I struggled to open a window and determine from whence this odour eminated, I heard a flatulent Ppppfffffttt. My dog Bruiser hung his head in shame.
Immediately I rushed him to the back door so he could go in the back yard and release whatever it was that had crawled up his ass to die, but he refused to leave the house.
I’ve been feeding him the same kibble as always, so unless he’s been sneaking cabbage, bean and limburger burritos behind my back he must have developed some kind of digestive issues. I seriously considered duct taping his ass shut, but I settled for locking him in the bathroom. Another night of this and he’s off to the vet.

P.S. WARNING: Don't bother googling "Dog Fart"

NOT about: hurricanes, cat's, or the fact that democrat's are morons

2005-09-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

Poor old Beretta.
Why can't folks just leave him alone?
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/entertainment/12749699.htm
http://www.kesq.com/Global/story.asp?S=3902035&nav=9qrx
Robert Blake was a hero of mine when I was a kid (I begged my parents for a cockatoo).
Although, I believe he's innocent (A lot of other people wanted that bitch dead) . I admit he might have done it. But, when I look at the Blake-Bakley-Brando-whoeverthefuckelse relationship, I think, hell, every once in a while ya come across somebody that needs a good killin'. So, let's just give Bobby a little break.
Besides, I think that with regards to the Blake, Simpson & Jackson trials we are over looking the most important fact in these cases. The right of rich people in the United States to buy their way out of any situation (Right Teddy "Chapaquiddick" Kennedy?)
Do you really want to live in a world where your average multi-millionaire can't snuff some whore without regard to the consequences. In the words of Drew Carry, "What's the point of makin' the money if ya can't enjoy spendin' it?"

You've come a way baby.

2005-09-26T15:31:00.000-05:00

Where were these "Cool Moms" when I was in high school? http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/5019924/detail.html Of course looking at this chick I'd have probably still just picked up chicks from Our Lady of Victories. When I was in school a "Cool Mom" was one that served snacks when everybody came over to watch "Friday Night Videos".

I survived Katrina & all I got was this lousy blog post

2005-09-07T15:22:00.000-05:00

Howdy folks,
According to the number of hits on my blog no one really misses me. But, in case you did, I didn't die in Katrina. Apparently, I was in Missouri.
If you ever have the opportunity to experience a cat. 4 hurricane I highly reccomend that you do so from at least 4 to 5 hundred miles. I have no phone, no electricity, no gas, & no cable, but the water is on, so as soon as I can find some ice I'll have something to mix with my bourbon.
I have been through a number of huricanes. I lived in Mississippi City during "Camille" and weathered it in Hattiesburg, MS. My most vivid memory was a pecan tree that fell between my grandmother's garage & house without touching either building.
I lived in Gautier, MS during "Fredrick" and weathered it in (once again) Hattiesburg. After "Fredrick" we (in Gautier) were without electricity for three months. I still had to go to school (bummer) but only for half days. The other half of the day every one from 8 to 80 wielded chainsaws, axes, & shovels to dig out the town (that's how I learned to run a front end loader at the tender age of 14). Today, even the sound of a chainsaw makes me nauseous.
for huricane "George" I lived in Hattiesburg, in the same house I own now. My relatives from the gulf coast and my wife's relatives from their trailer-parks road out "George" in my house. "George" didn't bother me very much. Power was only out for seven days. I came close to killing my in-laws. (don't take refuge in my house & then try to tell me how to scramble fucking eggs). The wife & in-laws are now, thankfully, gone. Although "George" had little to do with that.
"Katrina" is the first huricane that I have ever actually watched in it's entirety. My house shook. Things banged. Wires tore loose. I looked out my upstairs window and saw trees, signs, & large pieces of my neighbors' homes blowing by on the wind. All-in-all an unnerving experience. It's over. But, having done this before, I know its not over. There's so much work to do to recover, I'm nearly overwhelmed just thinking about it.
I wish I could go live in a place where there aren't any huricanes. But, there would probably be some other violent form of nature to torment me there. Besides, where else would I go? This is Mississippi. Every time I move away. I come back. This is my home.
An interesting fact about Mississippi, although we have the lowest per-capita income in the nation, we have the highest per-capita charitable giving.

2005-08-27T05:06:00.000-05:00

I took this personality test off Ann's Blog http://similarminds.com/leader.html the result was

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

now I can't decide wheather to save the world or destroy the world.
I'll probably just flip a coin.

Who Knew

2005-08-26T21:18:00.000-05:00

Apparently the little head brings 5 points to the party.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/gender/story/0,11812,1556664,00.html

Party!

2005-08-21T17:49:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to a party.
Yeeha!
A friend of mine who will remain nameless (TC Byrd), brought her new "Razr" cell phone (ain't it cool when you leave out all the vowels?) she showed it to everybody (E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y). Then we were goingto play this game where we "spotlighted" spiders. We never saw any spiders. We were all drunk though, that may have had some effect on finding spiders. There was a "bat throwing" incedent a "chick in a tree" incedent, and a "they thought they were married" incedent. (other people's children are the most effective birth control) I may or may not cover these in later posts. If I don't TC probably will.
A good time was had by all. I was allowed to sleep it off on a pallet on a concrete floor. (thanks Mrs. ex girl friend)

PS
Ann, ya shoulda been there.

Amusing

2005-08-13T08:57:00.000-05:00

Some stories to waste some of your valuable time on:

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/4839738/detail.html

http://kvoa.com/Global/story.asp?S=3714670

http://apnews.myway.com//article/20050812/D8BUGASG0.html
Gotta love those Camboians.

http://www.spokesmanreview.com/business/story.asp?ID=84460
This is fucking asinine. Literally.

http://www.wftv.com/news/4844487/detail.html

http://www.local6.com/news/4842002/detail.html

cool

2005-08-13T07:51:00.000-05:00

This is a really cool building.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050813/D8BUR2701.html
I think they ought to build two of them & paint a picture of a giant impala under it (the critter, not the car) to scare away evil space aliens.
I think we might could get the Scientologists behind this.

Simple

2005-08-13T07:13:00.000-05:00

I was dozing in bed this morning when I heard a commercial. I wasn't paying attention, It was about buying plane tickets or planning a vacation or something.
This guy went through step by step instructions on doing something, then he said, "It was so simple my WIFE did it."
I shit you not.

Good Deed

2005-08-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

I couldn't get this link to work right ,so
Go here http://www.cbc.ca/story/canada/national/2005/08/09/cat-ceasarian-050809.htm
Although I applaud these young ladies waste not, want not attitude, I hate to tell them that it will cost far more to raise these kittens to an edible size than they will be worth in the long run.

Red Dawn

2005-08-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

The movie "Red Dawn" is on tonight.
I have a question for the bloggosphere.
Is this the only movie in which Patrick Swazie(sp?) doesn't come off lookin'like a fag?
Hell, He almost looks "male" in this one.

I "heart" NY (politics)

2005-08-10T11:44:00.000-05:00

Apparently Hillary Rodham Clinton has some competition for her senate seat.
Mrs. Janine Piro (I probably misspelled her name, but I don’t care enough to research it.) is, unlike Mrs. C, a New Yorker, and she claims that she will complete her entire term, which Mrs. C won’t do.
She has flip-flopped on her view of partial birth abortion as the political climate shifted, she is pro gay marriage, pro-choice, she’s a snappy dresser, she has shifted her views toward the center for obvious political reasons, casting doubt on her true core values, she and her husband are both lawyers (ick), her husband is a philandering son-of-a-bitch who likes to bone younger women, she and her husband have been investigated for shady financial and political dealings.....
Dang.....
I forgot which one I was talking about.
Anyway,
Good luck Mrs. Piro, and stay away from Fort Marcy Park.

Git-erature

2005-08-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

The most requested reading material by prisoners at Guantanimo Bay are the Harry Potter books.
I don’t know what to think about that.
Just throwin’ a factoid out there.

Dove Ad

2005-08-08T12:24:00.000-05:00

I’d like to say something about the “Dove” ad just because everybody else is, and god knows I hate to be left off a band-wagon.
First let me say, I find all the chicks in the ad quite attractive. But, the point of using fat chicks (excuse me) rubenesque models was to catch your attention. It did. Hell, I’m even posting about it.

The problem is:
No cream can make your thighs firmer.
Are women really stupid enough to think it can?
Why do women believe the lies of cosmetic companies?
I know why the cosmetics companies keep lying, because women BELIEVE them.

Another thing:
When they say “firmer”, do they mean “harder” or “skinnier”?
If they mean skinnier why don’t they say skinnier?
If they mean harder, who wants hard thighs?
I’m imagining a giant pair of castanets.
Not attractive.

I can’t believe the billions of dollars that women spend on teaspoons of powdered gypsum, and colored lard in a fancy box.
Don’t get me wrong, men do stupid things too. (usually involving chicks who have discovered the proper combination of powdered gypsum, and colored lard)

In closing I would like to quote the inimitable Redd Foxx.
Beauty is only skin deep.
Ugly is to the bone.
Beauty soon will fade away.
But, ugly holds it’s own.

Big Star

2005-08-08T12:22:00.000-05:00

The closest grocery store to my house is the Big Star. I went Saturday to get some AAA batteries for the remote control, and to stock up on comestibles & such. Outside, there’s a guy who always asks for money. I never give him any, but it doesn’t seem to put him off. He’s always out there. I noticed that he has a cell phone. I understand that if he is homeless he may not have a home phone, but if he can afford a cell phone, why can’t he afford food? It wasn’t even a cheap phone. It was the kind with a TV screen that’s the size of a saltine.
Across the street is a van draped with colorful blankets & a folding table piled high with imitation Nike shoes. A while back I saw a guy over there sitting on the tailgate of his truck next to some coolers and a sign that said simply “COON”.
Inside the Big Star is a somewhat skewed selection of food. For example you can buy a gallon of lard in a cardboard box, but they don’t carry avocados. You can buy three pounds of fresh chicken feet (they don’t even cut the toenails off), but you’ll never find a cut of beef fancier than round steak. There is souse and chitterlings galore, but a red bell pepper? Nope.
They have cool-aid already mixed in a gallon jug. I tried to do the math on this. Packet of Kool-Ade .29, Sugar 1.89/5lb. I figure about .75 a gallon, but a gallon of pre-mixed goes for 1.79 (heaven forbid one should have to “stir”). A woman walked by with a shopping cart full of 6 gallon containers of the colorful fluid. It was quite festive.
In line at the check-out there were four ladies in front of me, including the lady with the large load of cool-aid. Each of them had her bright yellow EBT card out. I felt oddly out of place purchasing my food with “money”.
Damn.
I forgot the batteries.

Ow.

2005-08-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday while modifying my habitat I dropped a Black & Decker 10" portable circular saw on my left big toe.
I said some things God may not be able to forgive me for.
Today my toe is a lovely shade of periwinkle.
I have decided to share my experience in the form of advice for the amatuer carpenter.

When constructing a pass through cabinet between the bathroom and utility room, DO NOT attempt to simultaeously cook a grilled cheese sandwitch.
Wear shoes. (pants couldn't hurt either)
Refrain from the consumption of alcoholic beverages.

Happy carpentering!

The Trying Game

2005-08-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

The media has gotten a hold of information that Judge John Roberts did some pro-bono work for some homosexuals.
Now, the Left is accusing the Right of bringing this up to make Roberts look less conservative, so he’ll gain support.
And, the Right is accusing the Left of painting him pink so he’ll lose support.
Some on both sides are saying he might BE a homosexual, because he didn’t get married ‘til he was forty, and he adopted his children, and his kids are latin american, but their too light skinned to be latin american, and their adoption records are sealed, but the law says they have to be sealed, and anyone bringing his kids into this is a bastard, and he’s catholic, and catholics don’t have sex before they’re married, unless it’s with a priest, and who cares if he’s a fag anyway, and he’s a real nice guy, maybe "to" nice, and maybe he adopted light skinned latin american kids because he’s predjudice against latin americans and didn’t want people to know he adopted latin american kids, and maybe he only did the pro-bono work for the dirt-road-cowboys, so later people would think he wasn’t anti-pillowbiter, and what the hell is Novak’s problem anyway, and why hasn’t Hillary weighed in on this yet, and he might be the first gay male supreme court justice, If you don’t count Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and he drives an SUV, and his colesterol is normal, maybe a little "to" normal.
Hmmmm.

Submarine Races

2005-08-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

In the wee hours of this morning a Russian rescue submarine became entangled in a fishing net in over 600 ft. of water with less than 24 hours of air.
The Russkies had recently sold the Chinese a number of destroyers that were purpose built for destroying American aircraft carriers. The Russkies were engaging in war games with the Chi-coms to instruct them in the tactics for destroying American aircraft carriers with their new destroyers.
Russia has asked for America’s help in rescuing seven trapped mariners.
Of course, we will be glad to help. We’re Americans, it’s what we do. You’re a poor anti-capitalistic government, and you fuck-up - Don’t worry good ole Uncle Sam’ll clean up your mess.
But, this time, we keep the boat.
That’s right, we keep the submarine. Finders keepers, if you will. You lost the boat, we bring the boat up - we keep it!
They didn’t give back Gary Powers’ U2 did they? The Chinese didn’t give back our AWACS (I think that’s the designation) radar plane after their dumbass pilot knocked it down did they? Of course not.
So, we keep their sub.
Not only do we keep it, We’ll soup that bad boy up. Take out that piece-a-shit Russkie engine and drop in a 454. They got an adapter kit in the J. C. Whitney catalog.
Get a pair of 4 barrel Holley carbs, and a Edelbrock supercharger, an NO2 tank, dual glass packs on some Hooker headers, drop a tall cam in that bitch & get ‘er runnin’ like a scalded dawg! Giddy-up! We’ll put a christmas tree on the Washington Monument, slap a Penzoil sticker on the bumper, and drag race that motherfucker down the reflecting pool! Yeeeha, gigiddy, gigiddy!
Glasnost my ass.

Discovering Myanus

2005-08-02T14:03:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES — It’s beefy, tasty and bigger than Pluto. And according to scientists who found it orbiting the sun, it’s the newest planet on our solar system’s block. The planet — the farthest-known object in the solar system — is currently 9 billion miles away from the sun, or about three times Pluto’s current distance from the sun.
Astronomers do not know the new planet’s exact size, but its brightness shows that it is at least as large as Pluto and could be up to 1 1/2 times bigger. The research was funded by NASA.
Scientists have submitted a name for the new planet to the International Astronomical Union, which has yet to act on the proposal, they had not released the proposed name by Friday, but speculation is that it will be either Bubba, or Myanus.
The planet was first photographed in 2003 using a 48-inch telescope at the Palomar Observatory during the head astonomer’s lunch hour.
What’s unique about the latest finding is that the object appears to be bigger than Pluto, and almost completely edible.
In this atrist's rendering you can see that beneath the planet’s sesame seed crust there appear to be two all beef layers, a special sauce like substance, lettuce, cheese, pickles and, of course onions.

You lookin' at ME??

2005-08-02T12:18:00.000-05:00

Fellow residents of the Hattiespatch,
Have you noticed all the nice new cameras the city has been putting up to keep an eye on you? Don’t they make you feel so much more safe, and secure? Don’t you love Big Brother the way he likes to watch over you 24/7. It harkens back to a simpler time...Oh, say 1984?
Thomas Jefferson once said, "Those who would trade freedom for security will lose both, and deserve niether."
How about we put a camera in the Mayor’s office, the Chief of Police’s office, and in the City Council? We could hook them up to a 24/7 web site, so any time a citizen feels like it they can log on, and watch exatly what their public servants are doing on the taxpayers dime.
Or, perhaps we should just sit back, drink our Victory Gin, learn our duck speak, and wait for the bullet.

Lunch

2005-08-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

I don't feel like posting tonight, so I pose a question:
What did I have for lunch?

Flabberghated

2005-07-31T09:54:00.000-05:00

I recently stated in a comment that sex toys were not illegal in MS.
I was wrong!
I did some googleing & visited a few lesbian blogs (pure research I assure you).
Apparently, Dildos are illegal in MS, unless prescribed by a doctor or psychiatrist (gotta see ya get that one filled at Rit-Aid).
Who cares? Who has so little to do with their free time, that they would actually try to get such leislation passed? (I say as I sit here blogging about it.)

I'm trying to imagine this session of the legislature.
"Members of the house would you please come to order!"
"Today, we have a bill before us to make it illegal to sell 'lectrical peckers in the fine upstanding state o' Miss'ippi."
"We gots to pervent enybody stickin' ar-ti-fishal rubber tallywhackers up in they yammy!"
"It could mean the end of e-co-nomic prosper'ty in this he'a state."
"When I think that my sainted moth'a could walk into to the Piggly Wiggly and see strap on dildos & butt plugs, & inflatable whatnots hangin' on the wall right next to tha' Clabber Girl Bakin' Powda', It makes me tremble with righteous in-dig-nation!"

This must have been one hell of a finger waggin', wattle shakin' diatribe.

Let me be clear about one thing.
To mis-quote a certain patriot who's name I forgot soon after graduating high school, "I may not agree with the electrical rubber oyster poker you want to buy, but I will defend to the death your right to buy it!"
I am many things.
But, first and formost I am an American.
And, when your average joe wants to go to his local coochie emporium & buy a hand held vibrating, semi-lifelike artificial cooter, or an inflateable "Love Ewe" sex sheep (I actually saw one of those one time) or the Long Dong Silver double-ended twist-O-flexie, he'd damn well better be able to lay down his hard earned American cash & get his hard earned American gash buster, or I don't know what America's all about!

Karma Lite

2005-07-28T11:52:00.000-05:00

A while back I taped a fortune cookie to the wall of my office with a sign next to it that read:
OPEN IN CASE OF
METAPHYSICAL
EMERGENCY
ONLY!
Munchie attacks
do not count as
mepaphysical
emergencies.
I have since noticed that a mouse has opened the cellophane, climbed inside, eaten the cookie, and shit on the intact fortune which reads, "A beautiful smart, and loving person will be coming into your life.", and my lucky numbers are: 4, 45, 31, 37, 33, & 17. What could the cosmic ramafications of this be? Should I be frightened? Perhaps, I should seek spiritual guidance. Do they list churches in the Yellow Pages?

Rant'n rant

2005-07-28T10:43:00.000-05:00

It has long been my opinion that every catastrophic event in U.S. history could be traced back to some dumbass liberal, if only you dug deep enough for long enough. But, sometimes the proof just pops up on it’s own.
For instance: the Columbia crash. After years of research and recovery, and billions spent on new technology to fix the problem we find out it was environmental bullshit regulations. The EPA required NASA to replace the foam insulation that had seen them through 112 missions with new “environmentally friendly” foam. Seem the old reliable stuff was manufactured with “CFCs”. Oh, Lordy save us from the CFCs! The new stuff, supposedly, saves us a quart or so of ozone, but it WON’T STICK TO THE SHIP! We nearly lost another shuttle because of this stuff. We should not only go back to the old reliable foam, but we need to find the dumbass, granola crunching, treehugger that came up with this whole scenario, and make with the bludgeoning.
Remember: CFCs are not destroying the ozone layer. Some pseudo-scientist just made that up to get his picture in Time. The globe isn’t warming, tropical oils are just fine, low carb doesn’t work any better than low fat or low cal, the reindeer are better off with the pipeline, OJ was guilty, sharks get cancer just like the rest of us, Elvis is dead (deader’n Dale Earnhart), aliens have never visited earth, taking a tablespoon of vinegar every morning only makes your face sqinch up for a second, there is no sasquatch, there is no monster in Loch Ness (but I did like the Sting song), you can’t wipe your ass with a spotted owl, and more people have died in Ted Kennedy’s car than were ever killed by Red Dye #38!
God bless America.
Thank you & good night.

Ode to an Orwellian

2005-07-27T15:57:00.000-05:00

People, you have got to find the humor.
I CAN NOT emphasize this enough.
If you can't find the humor, you will live a sad, bitter, little life, and die a sad, bitter, little death.
'Course if that's your gig ignore the previous.

A one, and a two, and a . . . .

Gonna git me a shotgun ‘n kill all’a commies I seeee.
Gonna git me a shotgun ‘n kill all’a commies I seeee.
Gonna git me a shotgun gi’me sum shells
Blow all’a commies I see to Heeeeeeeeeeeeeellll.
Gonna git me a shotgun & kill all’a commies I see.

I’m thinking; banjo, & washtub-bass accompaniment.

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!

2005-07-26T13:12:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the bank, and I have to get this down while the rage is still percolating in my soul.
On Friday afternoon, I knew that my checking account was running fairley low, so I took my paycheck to my employer’s bank & cashed it. Because, I knew that my bank had the asinine policy of not posting checks deposited after 2:00 pm on Friday until 2:00 pm on Tuesday. But, surely they would post cash immediately, right? It’s CASH!!! Next I went and paid a bill. The electric company has the new instant check verification thing. The bank (with my CASH MONEY!!! sitting in thier vault) paid the bill out of my overdraft, and charged me $15 for the service. I was blissfully unaware, confident that my account was flush with CASH! This morning I stopped at the ATM to pick up some cash for breakfast. My receipt showed that my account was in the red, and that they were charging me $5 a day until I deposited money to bring my account current. I went to the bank at lunch to see if there was some mistake. Nope. They charged me $5 for Saturday, Sunday, Monday & Tuesday (the charge acrues at noon & my CASH, FREAKIN’, MONEY, would not be posted to my account ‘til 2:00 pm. That’s $35 in fines. They even charged me $5 for Sunday when they aren’t even OPEN!!!
I explained my plight to the nice lady behind the desk who informed me that my account was only $14.33 short & if I could deposit that in cash before noon, she would post it immediately & I could avoid the today’s $5 fine.
I ran home, and scraped up some money & avoided the fine. Now, I sit here, my lunch hour nearly gone, with no food, because MY MONEY! is sitting in the bank waiting for the majic hour of 2:00 pm.
Ordinarily, I’m not a violent person, but I will have to wait ‘til an unaccustomed bout of bloodlust subsides before I can return to the bank.

:-)

2005-07-26T11:52:00.000-05:00

Don't Eat the Brownies.

Bruiser

2005-07-26T11:26:00.000-05:00

This is my dog.
His name is Bruiser.
I traded a sign for him.
I named him after a dog my father had that looked just like him when he was a puppy.
He’s half Catahoula & half Pit Bull.
He ate my grandmother’s Bible when he was a puppy.
I think that might mean he’s going to hell.
Once he ate a lawnmower wheel.
I don’t mean he chewed on it a little.
I mean there were some little pieces of white plastic left over.
That’s all.
Both he, and the mower survived.
Bruiser is very friendly.
He lives to be petted.
Once, he tried to get the postman to pet him.
The postman Maced him.
He sneezed three times.

2005-07-25T20:31:00.000-05:00

My office is 8'X14'.
It used to be 8'X10' but we remodled.
My old office had carpet, sedate comfortable wallpaper, & acoustic ceiling tile.
They promised me carpet & walpaper, etc. in the new office.
They lied.
My new office is made of plywood.
The floor is concrete.
It has no wallpaper.
On the plus side, my chair rolls a lot better & my employer lets me draw on & adhere things to the walls.
I have my own air conditioner & a lock on the door.
The lock is worth more than you could imagine.
In order to take this picture I sat in my chair & rotated while taking pictures with my digital camera. Then I put them together in Photoshop.

terry

2005-07-25T16:51:00.000-05:00

This is my friend Terry.

He ain’t right.
He carries food in his pockets. Tomatoes, bananas, cookies, pumpkin pie just about anything edible.
When he’s mad at you he will drop his pants & wave his pecker at you.
One of his ears sticks out from his head at right angles ‘cause he tried to kiss a sheep dog that wasn’t in the mood.
He doesn’t mind stickin’ his head in a scanner.
He’s my favorite co-worker.
I want to run him for senator in 2006.
His polical philosophy is distilled down to:
If the floors are swept, the trash cans are at the road & he’s got food in his pocket what could go wrong.
He’s the only person I’ve ever seen who could take a dump standing up.
I think the world would be a better place if we had more Terrys.
At least in public office.

Bang!

2005-07-25T16:07:00.000-05:00

One day I was at a friend’s house out in Perry County.
His father, and uncle were practicing a strange "sport" I had never before witnessed.
I don’t know if most people know but in the bottom of an anvil is a hole two to three inches square, and a couple of inches deep.
The two men inverted the anvil, filled the hole with gun powder, inserted a piece of cannon fuse, covered the hole with masking tape, righted the anvil on a large stump, lit the fuse, and ran like hell.
There was a loud bang, and the anvil was launched high into the air.
Everyone watched the sky for the anvil, and then Whump! The anvil would bury itself in the ground.
This seemed at first like a rather foolish activity, but I found myself enthralled.
I would never have thought that an anvil could be blown so high in the sky.
Sometimes it was just a speck.
EVERYONE WATCHED THE ANVIL. Not to would have been insane. The thought of a 110 lb. anvil plummeting toward earth with enough force to bury itself in the ground got your attention.
They said that they got the idea from a TV show.
They’d been doing it for years, and occasionally went to events where people launched anvils, and other unlikely, heavy objects over a whole weekend.
They showed me a Skil-Saw that had been mashed when an anvil "got away from them" and penetrated a tool shed.
Since then they do it out in a field instead of in the back yard.
Amazing!
But, stupid.

Gone Fishin'

2005-07-25T13:49:00.000-05:00

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish & he’ll eat for a lifetime.
(Conservative point of view)

Tax a man for fishing.
Use his fish to feed your constituency.
Regulate fishing in such a way that he can no longer make a profit fishing & goes out of business.
Give him a fish so he can eat.
Then, give him a tax return as if you had taxed him for the fish you gave him.
Then, raise his taxes because he has more fish now.
Subsidize the failing fishing industry.
Raise taxes to pay for subsidizing the failing fishing industry.
Pass a law creating more fish.
Fund a three year study to find out whether fishing causes global warming.
Give some of his fish to illegal aliens.
What the hell, they’re voting now too right?
Pump money into a failed education system for socialization programs so his children will feel good about themselves and others whether they have fish or not, yet be so illiterate that they will believe this system to be optimal.
(Liberal point of view)

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish & he’ll spend the day in boat drinking beer.
(My point of view)

Graham Crackers

2005-07-25T13:47:00.000-05:00

I bought some graham crackers the other day.
I don’t eat graham crackers.
I shoot at them.
I heard that graham crackers were invented by a minister named "Graham" in the nineteenth century as a substitute for sex.
I don’t know if this is true or not.
I’m too lazy to research it.
It’s not that important.
I don’t know what kind of sex Rev. Graham was trying to sub for, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the kind I’m familiar with.
But, as I said, I don’t eat graham crackers.
I shoot them.
I like to use an Israeli made Colt 1911.
Mine’s got 4.25 inch barrel, and a 7 shot magazine.
Colonel Jeff Cooper once said, "Some guns may be prettier. Some guns may be more accurate, or even more powerful. But, when something that wants to kill you is coming out of the dark an arms length away, you will understand the true value of the Colt 1911."
Col. Cooper also said, "The first thing to do in a gunfight is hide. . . .quickly."
I’ve never been in a gun fight.
I never want to be.
I just like shooting graham crackers.
It’s sort of like playing darts, or pool.
But, louder.
I wasn’t using my .45 yesterday though.
I was using a .22 automatic pistol made by Phoenix Arms Co.
.45 ACP cartridges cost $10 and up for a box of 50.
.22 LR cartridges cost about $1.50 for a box of 50.
The graham crackers don’t know the difference.
I went to a spot by the river that has a high clay bank on the opposite shore.
It makes a good backstop.
I throw the crackers up river, and shoot them as they go by.
They make nice slow moving targets that are biodegradable, so I don’t have to clean up after myself.
Just pick up the cases.

Vegetarian Tofurkey (Happy Thanksgiving)

2005-07-25T13:44:00.000-05:00

Recipe for "Vegetarian Tofurkey"
3-12 oz. pkgs. of tofu.
Add: 1/2 cup prepared imitation chicken stock
1 tsp. sesame seed oil
1 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. saffron
1 cup finely crushed Ritz crackers
2 tbsp. brown sugar.
Blend mixture thoroughly.
Wrap in cheese cloth & place in a colander.
Place a couple of cans of food or other weight on cheese cloth & leave to drain in the refrigerator for 48 hours.
Remove mixture from refrigerator & stuff in a freshly skinned & gutted vegetarian over a charcoal fire. slice meat from the outside as it gets done.
Feeds: 5-8

Helpful hints:
When slaughtering a vegetarian, sneak up on it. Adrenaline spoils the meat.
For preparation refer to the earlier post "Morlocks Rule!"

Another Supreme Post

2005-07-21T08:04:00.000-05:00

Re: John Roberts appointment
The "French Fry" incident.
Keep an ear out for it.

Dang

2005-07-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

Seems the blew up London again.
All sympathies to the Brits.
Our prayers are with you.

Seems the news here can't figure out what a "rucksack" is.
dang.

Too bad . . . . I guess?

2005-07-19T20:42:00.000-05:00

Coca-cola has withdrawn their support of the Jr. Miss program.
No more Jr. Miss.
They had to cancel cause nobody else would sponsor them.
Although, there was a rumor that Spike TV made an offer, but it was dependent on bringing back the swimsuit competition.
I won’t miss the Jr. Miss.
I call pageants "Hog Shows".
In my profession I have occasion to deal with these people.
Pageant moms are the worst.
They remind me of 4H kids getting their livestock ready to judge.
Thus, "Hog Shows."
You know the judges watch these girls judging which will eventually be the best wife/mom, but they give the best score either to the one they’d most like to bone, or to the one they’d least like to bone, so nobody’ll think their just voting for the one they’d most like to bone.
Poor Jr. Miss.
The teen pregnancy rate is gonna soar here in Mississippi.
Jr. Miss was the only reason a lot of chicks around here had for NOT getting pregnant.

Note to self: Invest in mobile home stock.

Wiiiiiiiiillllbur!!!!!

2005-07-19T20:40:00.000-05:00

A man was recently killed in Enonclaw, Washington when the horse he was having sex with fell on him.
That’s gotta be embarrassing.
In Washington state having sex with horses is legal.
As long as you don’t harm the horse.
I heard this story on the radio.
I may have misspelled Enonclaw.
If I did, I apologize to the horses.
The people up there don’t deserve an apology.
They’re having sex with horses.
Horses people!
No matter how well you’re hung, you’re gonna look bad next to the horse.
They got nuts the size of baseballs.

I'm so pretty

2005-07-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

A twenty something teacher in Florida recently got busted for doing the slap & tickle with a fourteen year old boy.
Originally, her defense was insanity.
Her lawyer claimed that she had a mental deficiency or defect that prevented her from understanding that what she was doing was wrong.
Unfortunately, she had already told quite a number of people that the reason she liked having sex with the boy was because she knew it was wrong.
Her attorney (after deciding not to bludgeon her) came up with a novel new defense:
She’s too beautiful to go to jail.
I shit you not.
Her attorney is ACTUALLY asking for a reduced sentence because she’s too pretty.
This begs the question, "How pretty is too pretty to go to jail?"
Is it based on the classic 1 to 10 scale.
Is blondeness a mitigating circumstance?
How about boob size?
Does it have to be a classic pretty like Audrey Hepburn or a quirky pretty like Lucille Ball?
A president here could cause an economic boom in the plastic surgery, comsetics, and weight loss industries.
Then again, we must look at the seriousness of the crime.
We live in a world of double standards.
Some see a beautiful woman having sex with a willing fourteen year old boy, and say, "Where’s the crime?"
But, if an adult male had sex with a fourteen year old girl, We’d all be ready to throw him in a cell with Bubba the four hundred pound horse molester, and take away the vaseline.
But, this is a genuine crime.
This woman, with no regard for anything but her own sexual gratification, callously stripped away this poor boy’s innocence. She wantonly forced . . . . . . .
Yeah, I’m not buyin’ it either.
Way to go kid!

A supreme descision

2005-07-19T20:38:00.000-05:00

President Bush might appoint a replacement for Sandra O’Conner today.
I hope it’s someone so conservative that it causes Ted Kennedy to run around the senate with the screaming mimi’s as the blood vessels in his brain go off like a string of black cats on the fourth of July.
I hope Ted keeps getting elected.
He makes governing the country fun to watch.
I especially enjoy when his senility switch flips and he does that Ab-a-daba-dab-a Elmer Fud impression thing.
The further out of power the liberals get, the more entertaining they are.
I think that when W received more votes than any president in history, and the Republicans won the majority of Senate seats, a lot of lefties decided to give up politicing, and go into stand up comedy. Either that, or while trying to parse the fact that they LOST!!!!! with the fact that now (look at the election results) more voting citizens in this country want a CONSERVATIVE government. Their brains spontaneously scrambled, turning them into humorous little automatons that just pinball around the Beltway going, "Bush is THE DEVIL, pre-ty-pre-ty-pre-ty, don’t cha think (hic) STARVE THE CHILDREN!!!"
Lordy, lordy, lordy.
I almost said, "You can’t pay for entertainment like this."
But, unfortunately, we do.

Stars & (hic!) Stripes

2005-07-18T20:00:00.000-05:00

Every four or five years our esteemed legislators need a good patriotic smokescreen (both Reps & Donkeys). So, somebody throws out a bill about a "Flag burnin' amendment". Though over the decades they've tried this a dozen or so times, it seems when the smokescreen is no longer needed, it just goes away. Well, me personally, I hope they never pass it. Let's face it the only American who would burn the flag, the symbol of our country, and the symbol of all the patriots who have given their lives so we can live in freedom, is one sorry, unamerican, piece of shit. but, those same patriots that flag burning, piece of shit disrespects, gave their live so the treasonous son of a bitch would have the right to express himself in anyway they see fit. I find it humorous that some people protest the very government that preserves thier right to protest. Go burn a Chinese flag in Tienamin Square, see what happens. We all remember the tanks right? So, if you want to burn a flag, my brother American, you go right ahead. Good luck, and God bless! I'll be right there keepin' the fascists (as if you knew what those were) off of ya.
Besides, if we didn't let 'em burn the flag, how would we know who to follow down the alley with an axe handle after the protest?

Oh god

2005-07-18T14:08:00.000-05:00

I was recently in a liquor store, and on the TV behind the counter was the image of a large commercial building and the sign thereon said in 3’ red letters "AMERICAN ATHEISTS". It didn’t really strike me until I got out to the car. American Atheists??? Regardless of my own religious beliefs (or lack there of) I find it difficult to believe that people would get together to purposefully not believe in something. Even your basic, fringe, nutjob groups actually believe in something, ie: The First Church of Elvis, MUFON, The Ku Klux Klan, or the ACLU. I can at least see an agenda. But, atheists? I can only imagine how one of their meetings?, services?, whatever must go:
Atheist 1, "Any old business?."
Atheist 2, "Seems at the last meeting we decided we don’t believe in God."
Atheist 1, "Is everyone in agreement with the old business?"
Bob The Atheist, "Yeah, me, and Gomer the Atheist think we ought to put a ‘really’ in there between the ‘we’ and the ‘don’t’."
Gomer The Atheist, "No, Bob, we wanted two ‘reallys’ in there."
Bob The Atheist, "Yeah, that’s right, two ‘reallys’."
Atheist 2, "We might want to leave the old business ‘as read’, and handle all the ‘reallys’ under new business, ‘cause I’m writing with a pen, and I don’t want to scratch anything out."
Gomer The Atheist, "Yeah, sure, that’ll be fine. Just so the ‘really’s’ get in there."
Atheist 1, "Alrighty then, any new business?"
Atheist 2, "Yeah, apparently, Bob, and Gomer want to add a couple of ‘reallys’ between the ‘we’ and the ‘don’t’ in the statement agreed upon in the last meeting."
Atheist 1, "Okay. As per the request... Wait, did anyone make a motion?"
Bob The Atheist, "Yeah, I make a motion to put a couple of ‘reallys’ in that statement."
Gomer The Atheist, "Second."
Atheist 1, "We will now put the matter of the ‘really’s to a vote. All in favor?"
A chorus of, "Ayes!"
Atheist 1, "Opposed?"
Silence.
Atheist 1, "So, now, we decided we really, really, don’t believe in God."
Bob The Atheist, "Sounds good to me. How about you Gomer?"
Gomer The Atheist, "Yep."
Atheist 1, "Motion to adjourn?"
Gomer The Atheist, "Yeah, I’ll motion to adjourn."
Atheist 2, "Second."
Atheist 1, "Alright, everybody there’s beer, pornos in the rec’ hall."

POOT

2005-07-15T14:24:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, Adolf Hitler was terrified of becoming flatulent. His personal physician actually gave him daily injections to prevent it.
But, let’s face it. Every once in a while we’re all gonna let one rip.
And, they’re funny.
Face it we’ve all laughed at fart jokes or people farting at inappropriate times.
I remember once back when I was in Catholic School a nun farted in the middle of a math test. There we were, two dozen fourth graders, concentrating on multiplication, and square roots, and then . . . . "POOT". There it was. I don’t know if anyone smelt it, but there was no doubt who dealt it. At first there was a stunned, silent awe. Then, somewhere in the back of the classroom, a snicker. That’s all it took. The class broke down into a bedlam of laughter, and sympathetic farts, either real, forced, or simulated.
I have come up with two inventions to deal with problematic pooting.
The first is intended for venues where excessive farting might be expected (i.e.: chili cook-offs, Mexican restaurants, or Tandy’s house). It consists of seat cushions made out of that odor absorbing activated charcoal foam that they make "odor eater" insoles out of.
The other invention is intended for those who are afflicted with life threatening flatulence (The DNC, Ted Kennedy, and the ACLU come to mind.). It consists of a hollow butt plug that channels noxious emissions through a crescent shaped activated charcoal filter that is nestled comfortably between the ass cheeks.

Boogers

2005-07-15T14:23:00.000-05:00

Boogers. That’s right, boogers. As fine a bodily secretion as one is likely to run across.
They are the dried remains of mucus secreted by the membranes of the sinus and nasal cavities. The majority of these secretions drizzle down the back of your throat past the adenoids and tonsils into the stomach where they are digested and possibly even reconstituted and resecreted in a never ending cycle. But, those secretions with the temerity to venture down the windy passages of the nasal cavity to the nares will find themselves dehydrated. Petrified by the desiccating wind of breath. They build in layers like gummy little stalagmites until they become "BOOGERS"!
Here we come to a fact of life and bodily functions cloaked in mystery, embarrassment, and social denial denied even to sex. EVERYONE PICKS THEIR NOSE!
It’s the truth.
It’s a fact.
Anyone who denies picking their nose is a liar.
If you didn’t pick your nose, it would fill up with boogers and you would suffocate.
The trick is knowing when and where to pick your nose and where to dispose of the booger.
Where to pick your nose is fairly simple. Anywhere nobody can see you picking your nose. The driver’s seat of your car at a red light is not appropriate. Regardless of how isolated you feel, you’re still surrounded by windows in public.
Booger disposal can be a more difficult challenge.
Of course, the preferred method of disposal is the Kleenex. Although Kleenex would like you to believe sneeze control is their primary aspiration, we all know that most Kleenex are used for either booger or spooge disposal. If a Kleenex is not available, other convenient methods of booger disposal are: under the edge of your bed, wiping on the carpet of your friends car (That’s why Grandma always had those little packets of Kleenex in the glove compartment. Either that or Grandpa was a car jacker - ha ha, get it?), under the seat at a theatre, inside your pants pocket, the sole of your shoe, the back of some stranger on the subway, or waiting in line at Disney World (I love Disney World.), scratching a friends dog, etc.
Be creative.
The world is rife with possibilities.
Booger flicking is acceptable, but carries a greater risk of getting caught. Eating boogers although icky could be considered acceptable in some circumstances. It carries no health concerns. After all, they were headed for the stomach before they became boogers anyway. And, no, you can’t get worms from eating boogers.
Your mother lied to you.
She lied about a lot of things. (But, that’s for another post.)
I know a guy who has elevated the eating of boogers from an obsessive compulsion to a sybaritic act of gustatory satisfaction.
His name is Terry.
He’s a little retarded and has a lot of what they call "inappropriate behaviors".
He can stick his index finger up his nose to the second knuckle when he’s really rooting around in there. Then, he sucks down those nasal nuggets and schnoz oysters with a look of bliss on his face reminiscent of religious ecstasy.
Terry’s cool.

Blue Juice

2005-07-15T14:21:00.000-05:00

Being male, I know, and, indeed, wish to know, almost nothing about the mysterious functions of the female anatomy, much less the hardware and appurtenances applied for the control of these functions.
So, why would some advertising agency believe that while I’m watching Mel Gibson in "Pay Back" I would want to see a commercial about some chick showing how one crotch thingy soaks up more blue juice than the other brand.
For the love of Christmas, when I’m watching Mel get his toes smashed with a ballpean hammer, I expect commercials about power tools, or trucks, or beef jerky, or beer, NOT blue juice absorption.
Perhaps they should experiment with "product placement."
Hee, hee.

Kitty Casserole

2005-07-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

Kitty Cat Casserole
1 - Cat (Skinned & dressed)
1 - Can Mushroom Soup
1 - Bag of Doritos
1 cup - Grated cheddar cheese
1 cup - Bread crumbs
Cut up cat like you would for frying. Boil until meat comes off bone easily. Remove bones & dice cat. Combine: cat, mushroom soup, bread crumbs, 1/2 of cheese & 1/2 of Doritos. Mix in a casserole dish. Top with remaining cheese & Doritos. Bake uncovered in 350° oven for 30 mins. or until heated through. Serves: 4-6

Morlocks Rule!

2005-07-15T12:04:00.000-05:00

For the last several millennia our species has struggled its way to the top of the food chain. Beginning with a timid and fragile australopithecine named Lucy cowering in the Olduvai, we have advanced all the way to the apex of evolution. We are the zenith of creation. We have traveled to the moon and sent our mechanical minions to the far reaches of the cosmos. And here, from our perch on the penultimate step of the evolutionary ladder, we gaze down at our domain. From here we may kill, eat, domesticate, clothe, and adorn ourselves with any other living thing on the planet we choose.
Some argue that there are other intelligent species sharing our world. Bullshit. Has a chimp ever built a pyramid? Can a cat read a John McDonald novel? Dolphins can’t even figure out how to stay out of the damn tuna nets.
So, here we sit, the end result of evolutionary history. Yet, some humans , vegetarians, have decided to remove themselves from this exalted position. They refuse to consume their fellow terrestrials, in order that they might be more fair to, as well as being seen by others as being more compassionate to, all the fuzzy little critters. All fine and good, I want no unnessecary pain or discomfort to come to any other creature. Well cared for animals taste better and are more nutritious. Also, I am entirely in favor of environmental conservation. Large tracts of uncontaminated wilderness means more yummy animals to hunt down and kill. Besides, who knows what yummy little critters might be lost if we don’t thoroughly glean the rain forest before cutting it down for pulp. If you don’t believe in cutting timber, go a week without using paper. Recycling doesn’t count because you gotta cut it and use it before you can recycle it.
These vegetarians give no heed to the words of Benjamin Franklin "If you make yourselves sheep, the wolves will eat you." H. G. Wells covered this in "The Time Machine" where at the end of our evolution we divided into the separate species of Eloi & Morlocks. The Eloi were vegetarians and, well, we’ve all read the book. So, my proposal is that we designate the vegetarians, who have voluntarily removed themselves from the top of the food chain, as an alternative food source. It could change the whole meaning of "Veggie Burger". Although I’ve never eaten vegetarian I understand that they must be tender because they bruise so easily. Also, the bad smell can be removed by par boiling in a couple of changes of water much as one would treat a squirrel. The economies of some rural states could be improved by the promotion of hunting of herds of free range vegetarians. Excess vegetables no longer consumed by vegetarians, as well as other meat products displaced in the market place by vegetarian meat, could be sold cheaply to other less food rich countries. This could very well improve the economy as well as the political situation of the whole world. Not to mention the soft hairless leather goods that could be created from the skins and the benefits to medicine from the huge influx of donor organs. Why settle for a pig heart when you could have a vegetarian heart?
I understand that some my find suggestions distasteful. Some, especially vegetarians, may even be offended. If so, please be aware that my tongue is quite firmly in my cheek (and not only to pick out a stray fragment of roast beef) . So, get over it. If you can’t, then feel free to drop by the house one evening for dinner.

Blue Laws

2005-07-15T11:55:00.000-05:00

Hattiesburg, MS for all of it’s new found sophistication, metropolitanness, etc., is still at the bottom of it’s soul a small southern town. This was brought to my attention the other day while I was mowing my lawn. (Sorry, Ann) I decided to get a refreshing adult beverage. So, I walked up to my neighborhood convenience store where I was informed that because of the blue law I would have to wait another 25 minutes before they would be allowed to sell me a beer. I had completely forgotten that it is illegal to sell beer before noon on Sunday. I don’t know how denying me a morning beer is going to improve me or the community at large since I’m not going to church drunk or sober.
Of course, it hasn’t been so long ago that the sale of adult beverages on the sabbath was forbidden entirely in our little town. Back then one had to drive thirty miles to Laurel for a Sunday brew. Laurel was considered a "resort" community & therefore the sale of beer on Sunday was essential to their tourist industry. Although, as far as I could tell, the only tourists they had were thirsty folks from Hattiesburg.
Other blue laws include no selling alcohol within a certain number of yards from a church or school and my personal favorite no exposed alcoholic beverage containers. Apparently the sight of a bottle of alcohol is so offensive to some people that a law had to be passed whereby if you are in a public place you must drink out of a paper bag.
Since the slackening of the blue laws it is now possible to sell beer on Sunday (albeit after noon), bars & restaurants may serve both beer and liquor on Sunday, and bars may now stay open till 2:00 a.m. instead of midnight. This last change effectively killed off what used to be a thriving after-party scene in Hattiesburg. Anyone who hung out and Nick’s in the late eighty’s may now utter a wistful sight.
I suppose I don’t really mind our quaint little blue laws. They harken back to simpler and arguably more sober times. I do, however, find it ironic that the State that gave us these laws is also the only source for the purchase of alcoholic beverages.

Brown word or get off the Potter

2005-07-15T11:37:00.000-05:00

The new Harry Potter book (something about a blood sausage or something) is due out today at midnight.
I’ve never read one of these books.
I never intend to read one.
I won’t ever go to see the movie.
I just don’t care.
I don’t understand the whole deal about witchcraft and sorcery, etc.
Pay attention now, church lady, IT’S FICTION!! I don’t care if it teaches kids how to summon Lucifer or make the neighbor’s goat give sour milk, for all I care they can trade thier souls for a new X-box. Go for it, God bless, have fun.
I figure if it gets some this nation’s illiterate little bastards reading, more power to ya.

Maga-low-mania

2005-07-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

I’ve always wanted to be an evil genius.
I just can’t come up with a plausible plan for world domination.