The Reason For The Season

This is the time of year that we buy each other gifts.
Many times we get each other really good or really bad gifts.
Some people are good at picking gifts, some are really bad.
So, to help my fellow human beings with their yuletide purchases I have endeavored to create lists of suggestions both pro & con from #1 being the best & #9 being the worst.
The lists will be separated according to sex & are based entirely on my own experiences, so they may not reflect everyone.

For Guys:

#1 Sex.
Now, this can be a tricky one, but it can also take many forms. A guy could take a friend to a strip club & give him a handful of ones, or porn, or a chick could do that "thing" her guy is into, but she doesn’t like, or she could talk girlfriend into a "2-fer" whatever, be creative.

#2 A pocket knife or one of those multi-tool things.
You can’t go wrong here, a guy can always use another pocketknife. Spend at least $50, nothing sucks worse than poorly crafted cutlery.

#3 Food.
Guys like food.

#4 Gift card to a hardware store.
Roughly even with food.

#5 Booze.
See #3 & #4.

#6 A book.
True, some guys don’t read much, but what guy wouldn’t like a Chilton Book for his car, or a book on his favorite hobby, or porn.

#7 Clothes.
Here’s one where many people go wrong. Guys don’t want clothes they aren’t used to. Don’t go tryin’ to change his style with the gift of a special piece of clothing. He won’t wear it, and if he does he will hate it. Look at what he normally wears, for example overalls, maybe you hate overalls, but if you want it to be a good gift, go out & get the best pair of overalls there is.

#8 Cologne.
Now, most guys aren’t really going to appreciate a gift of cologne immediately. Cologne is a sneaker gift. Months or even years down the road, he’ll all of the sudden have a need for cologne and there it will be in the medicine chest. He will remember you warmly, even if you never find out about it.

#9 Underwear.
Guys like to buy their own underwear. You may think its cute, or sexy. He doesn’t. He may pretend to like it, but it’s like dancing, guys only do it to get laid. Trust me this is a rule of the universe, guys will not appreciate underwear, and we only dance to get laid.

For Chicks:

#1 Jewelry.
Chicks dig money, and the more expensive the gift the more it is likely to be appreciated. Chicks like sentiment too, so if you want to get off cheap go buy a pawn shop & drop a wad on something nice, & tell her it used to belong to some relative.

#2 Clothes.
Same as above the more expensive the better.

#3 Gift card to an expensive boutique.
Go ahead put as much as you can afford on it, chicks won’t appreciate a low dollar card. Besides she’s probably gonna sell it to friend for rent money anyway.

#4 Gift card to a department store.
Same as #3

#5 Perfume.
Find out what kind she likes first, or it’ll end up belonging to her girlfriend.

#6 A book.
Not nesseccarily to read, but to look good on a shelf. Hardcover only, & something cutesy like "The Velveteen Rabbit" or "Where The Wild Things Are". Write something in it.

#7 Underwear.
She knows why your buying it, but what the hell.

#8 Weight loss equipment, diet books, etc.
Trust me, this is a losing proposition no matter how its presented.

#9 Sex toys.
Not that she wouldn’t appreciate it, but timing is everything. Accidentally opening the "Spiral-gyro Super Alien Intruder" in front of Aunt Martha and the Grandma can have less than the optimum effect. (Interesting story there, but a post for another time.)

I hope these will be helpful.
I thought about making this a meme, but didn’t.