Pig Pickin' Party!!!

Long ago the Arawak indians of the Caribbean taught the Spanish explorers how to cook goats & pigs over piles of slow burning green sticks. Then the Spaniards killed off the indians by fucking them and giving them VD, and by shooting them full of musket balls. The indians called this slow, low heat method of cooking "barbacoa" which means "wooden sticks". This is the origin of the word "barbecue", also since later Caribbean pirates were so fond of this cooking method they became known as "Barbacoaneers" which later became "Buccaneers". Cool, huh?
This weekend a friend of mine, WL, will be having a pig picking party. This begins with a big pile of tasty hardwood, which, thanks to hurricane Katrina, we are in no short supply of. Next you need a pig between a 100 & 120 pounds, or about the size of the average cocktail waitress. You kill & eviscerate the pig, around 8pm you start a fire in a pit and start consuming alcohol. While waiting for the fire to burn down to coals you wrap the pig in goat wire & attach a couple of lengths of re-bar to serve as handles later. Around midnight you put the pig in the pit above the coals & cover the pit with sheet metal roofing, and consume more alcohol. The temperature in the pit is controlled by opening & closing holes around the bottom & moving the sheet metal cover around. Periodically WL takes a pump-up insecticide sprayer filled with a vinegar, water & spices & yummy good stuff & pokes it in the pit to hose down the pig, then he consumes alcohol. Then around 6 or 7am comes the flipping of the pig. The pit is partially disassembled and several guys flip the pig. At this point the fire may need some tending and the pit is reassembled, and alcohol may need to be consumed. This all goes on for a while longer a alcohol is being consumed. Around noon folks start showing up with bread side dishes and alcohol, and stuff. The smell is so goood you can barely stand it, so you consume some more alcohol. The about 2pm you open the pit & move the pig to a tressle table built of boards & saw horses. This is why the pig was originally wrapped in goat wire. After this long slow cooking the meat will literally slide off the bones the wire is to hold the pig together until you can get it to the table. At this point it smell soooo goood that novices will be tempted to grab a hunk of pig, but be warned, the pig is HOT. Some will go for it anyway and burn their fingers & tongues. After a little cooling everybody gathers for the picking of the pig. WL says the best meat is from the cheek just below the eye. Personally I like the pig’s ass cheek. This pig is so good that when you take your fist bite the heavens open and choirs of angels sing hosannas through tears of pure joy. I like to take a half a loaf of bread, tear it open, and stuff in a couple of handfuls of pig butt. No condiments are required. To adulterate this pig would be sacrilegious. All you need is a pitcher of ice cold beer to wash it down with.

I weep for the kosher.