Don't get mad God I'm only teasin'

A dozen or so years ago I was at church (skipping the sermon with some friends) we were upstairs playing pool in the game room, and discussing, of all things, our faith & the finances of the church.
As a humorous aside I proposed a new type of church financing, not based on the tithe. My proposal was "The Church Of The 100% Money Back Guarantee".
In most of the Christian churches that I’m familiar with everybody tithes 10% whether or not they get anything out of the church for their money. Some folks go to church for years at a time & never get a good miracle, others just get blessed left & right whether they’re current on their tithes or not. So, I proposed a more equitably fair system of spiritual financing.
First off instead of praying willie-nillie for just any old thing, there would be a McDonald’s style menu board behind the pulpit, with a price out next to each of the miracles and a time period. Say, you lose your car keys, that would be a 24 hour miracle, and would cost around two bucks, you pay the cashier on your way out & get your miracle ticket. After 24 hours if you still haven’t found your keys you present your time stamped ticket to the cashier, and SHAZAM! you get your two bucks back, or if you find your key we keep the money. Or, say you think you might have knocked up your secretary, that would be a nine month miracle and cost $478.98. Now, here’s where it starts to get a little complicated. At the end of nine months if no baby is born we keep the money, but if a baby is born we return your money. However, because boning your secretary is a sin, we keep 5% as a sin tax, and to keep us from telling your wife.
Now, miracle charges will bring in cash, but only for the miracles granted. To supplement church income the money you pay for your miracle will be instantly invested, via the internet, in high yield mutual funds, then cashed out if your miracle fails during the prearranged time period. The interest earned will be reinvested by the church.
Near the end of the year all of the money not needed for the churches operating expenses will be divided among the members, and presented as a dividend check, just in time for Christmas gift buying season, because "The Church Of The 100% Money Back Guarantee" remembers the reason for the season.
The church could even develop a group of "disciples" that could go around, and oh, let’s say "expedite" some miracles.
And, we could wear funny hats.
I don’t think you can be accepted as a serious religion unless you make your clergy wear funny hats.
And, the clergy would have to have real jobs. Working one day a week is just silly.