Thursday, August 17, 2006

Stopping by to say HIGH.

My last two posts were not meant to be understood.
I have been away & busy for a while.
working 7 days a week in the 'burg & in New Orleans.
It has left little time for blogging.
But, I'will be back!
In the mean time ...

Stopping by to say HIGH.

My last two posts were not meant to be understood.
I have been away & busy for a while.
working 7 days a week in the 'burg & in New Orleans.
It has left little time for blogging.
But, I'will be back!
In the mean time ...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Zip Tie


Friday, June 02, 2006

Love Thy Neighbor (Yeah right!)

Dateline: Hattiespatch (Hysterical Neighborhood)

The house next door to mine is a rental. It's been divided up into a number of small efficiency apts. that are very cheap to rent. Consequently some of the renters are of, let us say, the lower end of the income spectrum. Copious beer drinking, spousal abuse, and dirty naked children seem to be the hobbies of my neighbors even though the same ones seldom live there for more than a few months before they are evicted or arrested.
Last night I was grilling out on the front porch with the lovely & talented "E" when a drunken british accent yelled "Hey remember me?"
Unfortunately I did. It was the ex-husband of an old friend of mine. Now I not only have to deal with slamming cardoors & flashing blue lights at all hours, but now they think they can drink beer on my front porch.
Once a couple of years ago, a snaggletoothed 40-something with a pot belly staggered onto the porch from next door. She said she needed beer & cigarette money & so would give me a blow-job for eight bucks. (no thanks)
Another time a guy showed up on my step with a ladder. He wanted to know if wanted to buy it. I said no. Later that day a cop showed up and asked if anyone had tried to sell me anything today. I told him about the ladder. He explained that the guy with the ladder had been going around the neighborhood stealing stuf from one house & trying to sell it at the next house. Turns out I was missing my weed eater.
As I was leaving the house one time a 20 something woman with fresh bruises wanted me to give her a lift to the highway. I said no. I know that sounds mean. A ride wouldn't have cost me anything. but, it's been my experience that in south Mississippi getting between a redneck & the woman he likes to beat on is the quickest way to get on the wrong end of a gun. (or possibly a tire iron)
Another time I was grilling steaks & when I went out to get them off the grill they were gone. My neighbors stole my food right off the grill.
I love my house.
I just wish I could move it.

Blog on


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Musical furniture

The lovely & talented E is moving into my house. She has lots of furniture & stuff & my house already has a bunch of stuff in it. So, we determined that my mid 1970's sectional living room thing had reached the end of it's usefull life. We threw it out to the curb & drove to the store. When we returned the sectional was gone. On the curb in front of my next door neighbor's house was their living room furniture. Now that's gone. Nothing goes to waste in the Hattiespatch Hysterical Neighborhood.

Blog on!


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Parenting 101

No sooner had I posted the last post than I got a phone call from a customer. One of the youngun's picked up the extension & made monkey nioses into the phone. After informing my client that I would call him right back, I proceeded to inform the little darlings of the error of their ways (I admit profanity was used). Now I am in trouble for yelling at the little bastards.
I understand that most children today are poorly raise. I understand that the way a parent raises their children is their own business. But, if you raise a poorly behaved child and someone complains about that child's behaviour you should do one of three things:
Appologize for your child's behaviour, and rectify any damages.
Attempt to correct the child's behaviour.
Or, suck it up, and keep your fucking mouth shut.

I believe that there are currently as many parents out there that need a good spanking than children.

Who's with me?

Blog on!



Today my stepdad brought some of his great grand younguns over.
It's not that he's that old, but his progeny tend to breed young & indescriminantly.
One of then shot the Glass out of the sliding door in the back of the shop with a BB gun.
He says it was an accident.
He was standing 5 ft. from from a sheet of glass 4' by 6' 6".
The child is either a liar or the worst shot in the history of the fucking world.
And judging by the the number of dead birds in the lawn I'm going with lyin'sack of shit.
Well, whichever, it's costing my stepdad $125.00 for new glass.

Other peoples children are the best birth control.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Dang I'm Old

Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to me.
On the twenty-eighth of May,
I'll be turning four-ty!

Poor Gorak, he never had a chance

It has come to my attention lately that all together too many people I know are getting married. So, I thought this would be an opportune time to give you all, "Bert's advice on marriage"

Just say why?

Seriously. Why? Marriage in the state of Mississippi means nothing more than a hike in your taxes. If two people "love" each other then, cool, shack up. There don't seem to be any social ramifications to living in sin any more & honestly, I can't think of any advantages provided by matrimony. If two folks really want to stay together for the rest of their lives, more power to 'em. But, in a no fault divorce state, like MS, you can just walk out anytime you want.

I have several pairs of friends who are currently contemplating marriage. I've tried to talk them out of it, but to no avail. Some of them have been married before & should know better.

I'm not sure why women want to get married (I understand little of the feminine), but marriage changes three things in a man's life:

#1 You can have sex whenever she wants to.

#2 The number of bottles cans & tubes of gooey, oily stuff in your bathroom increases exponentially.

#3 You never run out of toilet paper.

As far as advice for getting along with a spouse I can only relate a conversation I over heard between my father & grandfather.

There had apparently been some friction between my mom & dad and by way of advice my grandfather said, "It's all about compromise. you can't always have things your own way. Sometimes, you got to give in & say I love her so I'll keep her happy."

"For example," He continued, "I just painted the kitchen. She wanted to paint it green & I wanted to paint it a nice sunny yellow cause I can't eat my breakfast in a green kitchen. She got upset and i figured, what the hell, she spends more time in the kitchen than I do, so I said, "Okay, Honey, I'll paint the kitchen green.", and she was all happy again. You see, Son, a happy wife makes a happy marriage, and keeping your wife happy is all about compromise."

Then my dad said, "But, Dad, the kitchen's yellow."

To which my granddad replied, "Hell yes it's yellow. I told you I couldn't eat breakfast in a green kitchen."

I think there's a lesson here to be learned by all prospective spouses.

I believe that the whole marriage thing goes back to the caveman days. We all know what women want, even if we don't like to admit it. Women want food & shiny things. It's as simple as that. That's why Gorak went out & killed the brontosaurus. So, cavegirl would have sex with him. That's why Gorak made shiny things to put around her neck. So she would clean the cave & cook his brontosaurus. That's it. Simple.

Cavegirl gave Gorak a hummer Because she was hungry & she was too small to kill a brontosaurus. she cooked and cleaned for Gorak because she wanted shiny things to sell for food when Gorak finally got stomped to caveman burger by the brontosaurus. That's it. Simple, Neanderthal economics.

Today it's basically the same thing. Why do you think guys take girls to dinner? We know we don't look our best scarfing a Porterhouse. We do it because deep back in our caveman brains we believe a well fed chick is more likely to fall on her back. Alcohol doesn't hurt. Girls, guys know why you order the most expensive thing on the menu, then only eat the salad & dessert. It's for the doggy bag. We know you don't have a dog, and you wouldn't feed him lobster if you did. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just show up on some chicks doorstep with a take out box of Duck al'orange & skip straight to the squeaky spring jamboree?

And, as for the shiny things, chicks don't cook or clean any more. They want you to share the household chores, so I think we ought to share the shiny things.

So, what's the point of marriage anyway?

I don't know.

I kind of got off on a tangent in 4,765,940 BC.


Just live together in lovely, warm, cozy, blissful sin & be happy.

Fight the power.

Blog on!

Bert (Gorak)

Friday, May 19, 2006

I thought I was back but apparently I Ain't

I tried to start blogging again, but it ain't workin'. I tried to post yesterday & it went into my list of posts, but it ain't on my blog. If this post doesn't show up either i guess I'm Screwed. I haven' posted for several months so that might have something to do with it. I don't know so this is just a trial to see what's wrong. nobody ever reads my stuff anyway so I guess I won't be missed if this doesn't post either.

Happy blogging,