'Twas A Redneck Night Before Christmas

That's right, this year I'm pickin' on the Rednecks.
Enjoy!

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all ‘round the double-wide.
Rednecks were drinkin’
fryin’ turkeys outside.
One whupped his woman,
and one snorted meth,
and one sang a carol
with rum on his breath.
One hick suggested,
brain muddled with beer,
"Hey, guys grab your shotguns
let’s spotlight some deer!"
So, off went three rednecks
wired, drunk, and well armed
With any good luck
no wildlife would be harmed.
But as fate would have it
they spotted a herd.
They ducked out of sight
without saying a word.
They crept t’ward the deer
drinking down by a brook.
They peeked ‘round a pine tree
to take one more look.
Then leapt out, and opened fire
Pow, pow, pop, bang!
When they ran out of ammo
one redneck said, "Dang!"
All eight of the reindeer
stood there quite unharmed.
Looking straight at the rednecks
not even alarmed.
But, there on the ground,
lying next to a sled.
Was a fat bearded guy
the rednecks had shot dead.
"Holy shit." said one redneck
disbelieving his eyes.
"I think we shot one of those
bell-ringer guys!"
They checked out sled,
and they found in the back,
a fortune in toys
in a red velvet sack.
One of the rednecks
gave a snap to the reigns,
and off of the ground
the deer & sled came.
From down by the brook,
to the top of a ridge.
They dropped off the body
beneath Monhed bridge.
You know, an awful lot of dead, fat guys seem to show up there.
They flew to a pawn shop,
and hocked all the toys.
Ruining Yule Tide
for some girls, and boys
They spent all the money
on booze, and on meth.
Then one of the rednecks
fell to his death.
While trying to hood surf
at two thousand feet.
The other two waved,
and yelled, "So, long Pete!"
Their landing on River Road
tested their mettle.
Then they got busted
at a road block in Petal.
A cop asked, "Which one
of you’s drivin’ this rig?"
A hick pulled a pistol,
and aimed at the pig.
But, the cop drew his quicker,
and blew him away.
He made a wet thump
as he fell from the sleigh.
The last redneck left
popped the clutch, and lit out.
And, sideswiped the cop
as he fled on his route.
Through Perry County
To-wards Runnelstown.
Then five miles further,
he turned to the side.
And, fled down the dirt road
to his double-wide.
The sole surviving redneck
related this yarn.
When I disbelieved him
he strode to the barn.
He opened the doors,
and what did I see?
But, eight fuckin’ reindeer
prancing with glee.
I noticed that one critter
was missing a limb.
I asked the redneck what
had happened to him.
The redneck said to me
with a gleam in his eye.
"Dammit boy! You just don’t eat a flying reindeer all at once!"