Saturday, August 27, 2005

I took this personality test off Ann's Blog the result was

now I can't decide wheather to save the world or destroy the world.
I'll probably just flip a coin.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Who Knew

Apparently the little head brings 5 points to the party.,11812,1556664,00.html

Sunday, August 21, 2005


Last night I went to a party.
A friend of mine who will remain nameless (TC Byrd), brought her new "Razr" cell phone (ain't it cool when you leave out all the vowels?) she showed it to everybody (E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y). Then we were goingto play this game where we "spotlighted" spiders. We never saw any spiders. We were all drunk though, that may have had some effect on finding spiders. There was a "bat throwing" incedent a "chick in a tree" incedent, and a "they thought they were married" incedent. (other people's children are the most effective birth control) I may or may not cover these in later posts. If I don't TC probably will.
A good time was had by all. I was allowed to sleep it off on a pallet on a concrete floor. (thanks Mrs. ex girl friend)

Ann, ya shoulda been there.

Saturday, August 13, 2005


Some stories to waste some of your valuable time on:
Gotta love those Camboians.
This is fucking asinine. Literally.


This is a really cool building.
I think they ought to build two of them & paint a picture of a giant impala under it (the critter, not the car) to scare away evil space aliens.
I think we might could get the Scientologists behind this.


I was dozing in bed this morning when I heard a commercial. I wasn't paying attention, It was about buying plane tickets or planning a vacation or something.
This guy went through step by step instructions on doing something, then he said, "It was so simple my WIFE did it."
I shit you not.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Good Deed

I couldn't get this link to work right ,so
Go here
Although I applaud these young ladies waste not, want not attitude, I hate to tell them that it will cost far more to raise these kittens to an edible size than they will be worth in the long run.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Red Dawn

The movie "Red Dawn" is on tonight.
I have a question for the bloggosphere.
Is this the only movie in which Patrick Swazie(sp?) doesn't come off lookin'like a fag?
Hell, He almost looks "male" in this one.

I "heart" NY (politics)

Apparently Hillary Rodham Clinton has some competition for her senate seat.
Mrs. Janine Piro (I probably misspelled her name, but I don’t care enough to research it.) is, unlike Mrs. C, a New Yorker, and she claims that she will complete her entire term, which Mrs. C won’t do.
She has flip-flopped on her view of partial birth abortion as the political climate shifted, she is pro gay marriage, pro-choice, she’s a snappy dresser, she has shifted her views toward the center for obvious political reasons, casting doubt on her true core values, she and her husband are both lawyers (ick), her husband is a philandering son-of-a-bitch who likes to bone younger women, she and her husband have been investigated for shady financial and political dealings.....
I forgot which one I was talking about.
Good luck Mrs. Piro, and stay away from Fort Marcy Park.

Monday, August 08, 2005


The most requested reading material by prisoners at Guantanimo Bay are the Harry Potter books.
I don’t know what to think about that.
Just throwin’ a factoid out there.

Dove Ad

I’d like to say something about the “Dove” ad just because everybody else is, and god knows I hate to be left off a band-wagon.
First let me say, I find all the chicks in the ad quite attractive. But, the point of using fat chicks (excuse me) rubenesque models was to catch your attention. It did. Hell, I’m even posting about it.

The problem is:
No cream can make your thighs firmer.
Are women really stupid enough to think it can?
Why do women believe the lies of cosmetic companies?
I know why the cosmetics companies keep lying, because women BELIEVE them.

Another thing:
When they say “firmer”, do they mean “harder” or “skinnier”?
If they mean skinnier why don’t they say skinnier?
If they mean harder, who wants hard thighs?
I’m imagining a giant pair of castanets.
Not attractive.

I can’t believe the billions of dollars that women spend on teaspoons of powdered gypsum, and colored lard in a fancy box.
Don’t get me wrong, men do stupid things too. (usually involving chicks who have discovered the proper combination of powdered gypsum, and colored lard)

In closing I would like to quote the inimitable Redd Foxx.
Beauty is only skin deep.
Ugly is to the bone.
Beauty soon will fade away.
But, ugly holds it’s own.

Big Star

The closest grocery store to my house is the Big Star. I went Saturday to get some AAA batteries for the remote control, and to stock up on comestibles & such. Outside, there’s a guy who always asks for money. I never give him any, but it doesn’t seem to put him off. He’s always out there. I noticed that he has a cell phone. I understand that if he is homeless he may not have a home phone, but if he can afford a cell phone, why can’t he afford food? It wasn’t even a cheap phone. It was the kind with a TV screen that’s the size of a saltine.
Across the street is a van draped with colorful blankets & a folding table piled high with imitation Nike shoes. A while back I saw a guy over there sitting on the tailgate of his truck next to some coolers and a sign that said simply “COON”.
Inside the Big Star is a somewhat skewed selection of food. For example you can buy a gallon of lard in a cardboard box, but they don’t carry avocados. You can buy three pounds of fresh chicken feet (they don’t even cut the toenails off), but you’ll never find a cut of beef fancier than round steak. There is souse and chitterlings galore, but a red bell pepper? Nope.
They have cool-aid already mixed in a gallon jug. I tried to do the math on this. Packet of Kool-Ade .29, Sugar 1.89/5lb. I figure about .75 a gallon, but a gallon of pre-mixed goes for 1.79 (heaven forbid one should have to “stir”). A woman walked by with a shopping cart full of 6 gallon containers of the colorful fluid. It was quite festive.
In line at the check-out there were four ladies in front of me, including the lady with the large load of cool-aid. Each of them had her bright yellow EBT card out. I felt oddly out of place purchasing my food with “money”.
I forgot the batteries.

Saturday, August 06, 2005


Yesterday while modifying my habitat I dropped a Black & Decker 10" portable circular saw on my left big toe.
I said some things God may not be able to forgive me for.
Today my toe is a lovely shade of periwinkle.
I have decided to share my experience in the form of advice for the amatuer carpenter.
  1. When constructing a pass through cabinet between the bathroom and utility room, DO NOT attempt to simultaeously cook a grilled cheese sandwitch.
  2. Wear shoes. (pants couldn't hurt either)
  3. Refrain from the consumption of alcoholic beverages.

Happy carpentering!

Friday, August 05, 2005

The Trying Game

The media has gotten a hold of information that Judge John Roberts did some pro-bono work for some homosexuals.
Now, the Left is accusing the Right of bringing this up to make Roberts look less conservative, so he’ll gain support.
And, the Right is accusing the Left of painting him pink so he’ll lose support.
Some on both sides are saying he might BE a homosexual, because he didn’t get married ‘til he was forty, and he adopted his children, and his kids are latin american, but their too light skinned to be latin american, and their adoption records are sealed, but the law says they have to be sealed, and anyone bringing his kids into this is a bastard, and he’s catholic, and catholics don’t have sex before they’re married, unless it’s with a priest, and who cares if he’s a fag anyway, and he’s a real nice guy, maybe "to" nice, and maybe he adopted light skinned latin american kids because he’s predjudice against latin americans and didn’t want people to know he adopted latin american kids, and maybe he only did the pro-bono work for the dirt-road-cowboys, so later people would think he wasn’t anti-pillowbiter, and what the hell is Novak’s problem anyway, and why hasn’t Hillary weighed in on this yet, and he might be the first gay male supreme court justice, If you don’t count Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and he drives an SUV, and his colesterol is normal, maybe a little "to" normal.

Submarine Races

In the wee hours of this morning a Russian rescue submarine became entangled in a fishing net in over 600 ft. of water with less than 24 hours of air.
The Russkies had recently sold the Chinese a number of destroyers that were purpose built for destroying American aircraft carriers. The Russkies were engaging in war games with the Chi-coms to instruct them in the tactics for destroying American aircraft carriers with their new destroyers.
Russia has asked for America’s help in rescuing seven trapped mariners.
Of course, we will be glad to help. We’re Americans, it’s what we do. You’re a poor anti-capitalistic government, and you fuck-up - Don’t worry good ole Uncle Sam’ll clean up your mess.
But, this time, we keep the boat.
That’s right, we keep the submarine. Finders keepers, if you will. You lost the boat, we bring the boat up - we keep it!
They didn’t give back Gary Powers’ U2 did they? The Chinese didn’t give back our AWACS (I think that’s the designation) radar plane after their dumbass pilot knocked it down did they? Of course not.
So, we keep their sub.
Not only do we keep it, We’ll soup that bad boy up. Take out that piece-a-shit Russkie engine and drop in a 454. They got an adapter kit in the J. C. Whitney catalog.
Get a pair of 4 barrel Holley carbs, and a Edelbrock supercharger, an NO2 tank, dual glass packs on some Hooker headers, drop a tall cam in that bitch & get ‘er runnin’ like a scalded dawg! Giddy-up! We’ll put a christmas tree on the Washington Monument, slap a Penzoil sticker on the bumper, and drag race that motherfucker down the reflecting pool! Yeeeha, gigiddy, gigiddy!
Glasnost my ass.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Discovering Myanus

LOS ANGELES — It’s beefy, tasty and bigger than Pluto. And according to scientists who found it orbiting the sun, it’s the newest planet on our solar system’s block. The planet — the farthest-known object in the solar system — is currently 9 billion miles away from the sun, or about three times Pluto’s current distance from the sun.
Astronomers do not know the new planet’s exact size, but its brightness shows that it is at least as large as Pluto and could be up to 1 1/2 times bigger. The research was funded by NASA.
Scientists have submitted a name for the new planet to the International Astronomical Union, which has yet to act on the proposal, they had not released the proposed name by Friday, but speculation is that it will be either Bubba, or Myanus.
The planet was first photographed in 2003 using a 48-inch telescope at the Palomar Observatory during the head astonomer’s lunch hour.
What’s unique about the latest finding is that the object appears to be bigger than Pluto, and almost completely edible.
In this atrist's rendering you can see that beneath the planet’s sesame seed crust there appear to be two all beef layers, a special sauce like substance, lettuce, cheese, pickles and, of course onions.

You lookin' at ME??

Fellow residents of the Hattiespatch,
Have you noticed all the nice new cameras the city has been putting up to keep an eye on you? Don’t they make you feel so much more safe, and secure? Don’t you love Big Brother the way he likes to watch over you 24/7. It harkens back to a simpler time...Oh, say 1984?
Thomas Jefferson once said, "Those who would trade freedom for security will lose both, and deserve niether."
How about we put a camera in the Mayor’s office, the Chief of Police’s office, and in the City Council? We could hook them up to a 24/7 web site, so any time a citizen feels like it they can log on, and watch exatly what their public servants are doing on the taxpayers dime.
Or, perhaps we should just sit back, drink our Victory Gin, learn our duck speak, and wait for the bullet.

Monday, August 01, 2005


I don't feel like posting tonight, so I pose a question:
What did I have for lunch?