Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Poor Gorak, he never had a chance

It has come to my attention lately that all together too many people I know are getting married. So, I thought this would be an opportune time to give you all, "Bert's advice on marriage"

Just say why?

Seriously. Why? Marriage in the state of Mississippi means nothing more than a hike in your taxes. If two people "love" each other then, cool, shack up. There don't seem to be any social ramifications to living in sin any more & honestly, I can't think of any advantages provided by matrimony. If two folks really want to stay together for the rest of their lives, more power to 'em. But, in a no fault divorce state, like MS, you can just walk out anytime you want.

I have several pairs of friends who are currently contemplating marriage. I've tried to talk them out of it, but to no avail. Some of them have been married before & should know better.

I'm not sure why women want to get married (I understand little of the feminine), but marriage changes three things in a man's life:

#1 You can have sex whenever she wants to.

#2 The number of bottles cans & tubes of gooey, oily stuff in your bathroom increases exponentially.

#3 You never run out of toilet paper.

As far as advice for getting along with a spouse I can only relate a conversation I over heard between my father & grandfather.

There had apparently been some friction between my mom & dad and by way of advice my grandfather said, "It's all about compromise. you can't always have things your own way. Sometimes, you got to give in & say I love her so I'll keep her happy."

"For example," He continued, "I just painted the kitchen. She wanted to paint it green & I wanted to paint it a nice sunny yellow cause I can't eat my breakfast in a green kitchen. She got upset and i figured, what the hell, she spends more time in the kitchen than I do, so I said, "Okay, Honey, I'll paint the kitchen green.", and she was all happy again. You see, Son, a happy wife makes a happy marriage, and keeping your wife happy is all about compromise."

Then my dad said, "But, Dad, the kitchen's yellow."

To which my granddad replied, "Hell yes it's yellow. I told you I couldn't eat breakfast in a green kitchen."

I think there's a lesson here to be learned by all prospective spouses.

I believe that the whole marriage thing goes back to the caveman days. We all know what women want, even if we don't like to admit it. Women want food & shiny things. It's as simple as that. That's why Gorak went out & killed the brontosaurus. So, cavegirl would have sex with him. That's why Gorak made shiny things to put around her neck. So she would clean the cave & cook his brontosaurus. That's it. Simple.

Cavegirl gave Gorak a hummer Because she was hungry & she was too small to kill a brontosaurus. she cooked and cleaned for Gorak because she wanted shiny things to sell for food when Gorak finally got stomped to caveman burger by the brontosaurus. That's it. Simple, Neanderthal economics.

Today it's basically the same thing. Why do you think guys take girls to dinner? We know we don't look our best scarfing a Porterhouse. We do it because deep back in our caveman brains we believe a well fed chick is more likely to fall on her back. Alcohol doesn't hurt. Girls, guys know why you order the most expensive thing on the menu, then only eat the salad & dessert. It's for the doggy bag. We know you don't have a dog, and you wouldn't feed him lobster if you did. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just show up on some chicks doorstep with a take out box of Duck al'orange & skip straight to the squeaky spring jamboree?

And, as for the shiny things, chicks don't cook or clean any more. They want you to share the household chores, so I think we ought to share the shiny things.

So, what's the point of marriage anyway?

I don't know.

I kind of got off on a tangent in 4,765,940 BC.


Just live together in lovely, warm, cozy, blissful sin & be happy.

Fight the power.

Blog on!

Bert (Gorak)


At 8:17 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Hey...I can't stand the color green either..not to eat in especialy..green room that is. A study was done years ago and it was found green made people feel sick and if a hospital was green the patients took longer to eat and felt more ill and off their food for longer too.
Thats why I painted our place yellow ..over green.
As for compromise..I have had to compromise alot more than any wife I currently know,...and I am very happy...I cannot say such things for my husband..because what could one say when they have lost a husband and gained such a lovely person..without actualy having lost them in the first place? Makes no sence I know...butto some it may if they have ever been there.... :)

At 8:01 PM, Blogger TC Byrd said...

Huh. Just saw this. Thanks for coming to the wedding party and giving us just the right gifts ;)


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