Friday, June 02, 2006

Love Thy Neighbor (Yeah right!)

Dateline: Hattiespatch (Hysterical Neighborhood)

The house next door to mine is a rental. It's been divided up into a number of small efficiency apts. that are very cheap to rent. Consequently some of the renters are of, let us say, the lower end of the income spectrum. Copious beer drinking, spousal abuse, and dirty naked children seem to be the hobbies of my neighbors even though the same ones seldom live there for more than a few months before they are evicted or arrested.
Last night I was grilling out on the front porch with the lovely & talented "E" when a drunken british accent yelled "Hey remember me?"
Unfortunately I did. It was the ex-husband of an old friend of mine. Now I not only have to deal with slamming cardoors & flashing blue lights at all hours, but now they think they can drink beer on my front porch.
Once a couple of years ago, a snaggletoothed 40-something with a pot belly staggered onto the porch from next door. She said she needed beer & cigarette money & so would give me a blow-job for eight bucks. (no thanks)
Another time a guy showed up on my step with a ladder. He wanted to know if wanted to buy it. I said no. Later that day a cop showed up and asked if anyone had tried to sell me anything today. I told him about the ladder. He explained that the guy with the ladder had been going around the neighborhood stealing stuf from one house & trying to sell it at the next house. Turns out I was missing my weed eater.
As I was leaving the house one time a 20 something woman with fresh bruises wanted me to give her a lift to the highway. I said no. I know that sounds mean. A ride wouldn't have cost me anything. but, it's been my experience that in south Mississippi getting between a redneck & the woman he likes to beat on is the quickest way to get on the wrong end of a gun. (or possibly a tire iron)
Another time I was grilling steaks & when I went out to get them off the grill they were gone. My neighbors stole my food right off the grill.
I love my house.
I just wish I could move it.

Blog on

Bert

2 Comments:

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Extended Youth said...

i would absolutely LOVE for someone to steal the food off of my grill in the Hattiespatch.

I would find out about it and I would destroy everything they love.

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger ~Deb said...

Wow, your neighborhood sounds much more exciting than mine!

 

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