Sunday, July 31, 2005


I recently stated in a comment that sex toys were not illegal in MS.
I was wrong!
I did some googleing & visited a few lesbian blogs (pure research I assure you).
Apparently, Dildos are illegal in MS, unless prescribed by a doctor or psychiatrist (gotta see ya get that one filled at Rit-Aid).
Who cares? Who has so little to do with their free time, that they would actually try to get such leislation passed? (I say as I sit here blogging about it.)

I'm trying to imagine this session of the legislature.
"Members of the house would you please come to order!"
"Today, we have a bill before us to make it illegal to sell 'lectrical peckers in the fine upstanding state o' Miss'ippi."
"We gots to pervent enybody stickin' ar-ti-fishal rubber tallywhackers up in they yammy!"
"It could mean the end of e-co-nomic prosper'ty in this he'a state."
"When I think that my sainted moth'a could walk into to the Piggly Wiggly and see strap on dildos & butt plugs, & inflatable whatnots hangin' on the wall right next to tha' Clabber Girl Bakin' Powda', It makes me tremble with righteous in-dig-nation!"

This must have been one hell of a finger waggin', wattle shakin' diatribe.

Let me be clear about one thing.
To mis-quote a certain patriot who's name I forgot soon after graduating high school, "I may not agree with the electrical rubber oyster poker you want to buy, but I will defend to the death your right to buy it!"
I am many things.
But, first and formost I am an American.
And, when your average joe wants to go to his local coochie emporium & buy a hand held vibrating, semi-lifelike artificial cooter, or an inflateable "Love Ewe" sex sheep (I actually saw one of those one time) or the Long Dong Silver double-ended twist-O-flexie, he'd damn well better be able to lay down his hard earned American cash & get his hard earned American gash buster, or I don't know what America's all about!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Karma Lite

A while back I taped a fortune cookie to the wall of my office with a sign next to it that read:
Munchie attacks
do not count as
I have since noticed that a mouse has opened the cellophane, climbed inside, eaten the cookie, and shit on the intact fortune which reads, "A beautiful smart, and loving person will be coming into your life.", and my lucky numbers are: 4, 45, 31, 37, 33, & 17. What could the cosmic ramafications of this be? Should I be frightened? Perhaps, I should seek spiritual guidance. Do they list churches in the Yellow Pages?

Rant'n rant

It has long been my opinion that every catastrophic event in U.S. history could be traced back to some dumbass liberal, if only you dug deep enough for long enough. But, sometimes the proof just pops up on it’s own.
For instance: the Columbia crash. After years of research and recovery, and billions spent on new technology to fix the problem we find out it was environmental bullshit regulations. The EPA required NASA to replace the foam insulation that had seen them through 112 missions with new “environmentally friendly” foam. Seem the old reliable stuff was manufactured with “CFCs”. Oh, Lordy save us from the CFCs! The new stuff, supposedly, saves us a quart or so of ozone, but it WON’T STICK TO THE SHIP! We nearly lost another shuttle because of this stuff. We should not only go back to the old reliable foam, but we need to find the dumbass, granola crunching, treehugger that came up with this whole scenario, and make with the bludgeoning.
Remember: CFCs are not destroying the ozone layer. Some pseudo-scientist just made that up to get his picture in Time. The globe isn’t warming, tropical oils are just fine, low carb doesn’t work any better than low fat or low cal, the reindeer are better off with the pipeline, OJ was guilty, sharks get cancer just like the rest of us, Elvis is dead (deader’n Dale Earnhart), aliens have never visited earth, taking a tablespoon of vinegar every morning only makes your face sqinch up for a second, there is no sasquatch, there is no monster in Loch Ness (but I did like the Sting song), you can’t wipe your ass with a spotted owl, and more people have died in Ted Kennedy’s car than were ever killed by Red Dye #38!
God bless America.
Thank you & good night.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Ode to an Orwellian

People, you have got to find the humor.
I CAN NOT emphasize this enough.
If you can't find the humor, you will live a sad, bitter, little life, and die a sad, bitter, little death.
'Course if that's your gig ignore the previous.

A one, and a two, and a . . . .

Gonna git me a shotgun ‘n kill all’a commies I seeee.
Gonna git me a shotgun ‘n kill all’a commies I seeee.
Gonna git me a shotgun gi’me sum shells
Blow all’a commies I see to Heeeeeeeeeeeeeellll.
Gonna git me a shotgun & kill all’a commies I see.

I’m thinking; banjo, & washtub-bass accompaniment.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


I just got back from the bank, and I have to get this down while the rage is still percolating in my soul.
On Friday afternoon, I knew that my checking account was running fairley low, so I took my paycheck to my employer’s bank & cashed it. Because, I knew that my bank had the asinine policy of not posting checks deposited after 2:00 pm on Friday until 2:00 pm on Tuesday. But, surely they would post cash immediately, right? It’s CASH!!! Next I went and paid a bill. The electric company has the new instant check verification thing. The bank (with my CASH MONEY!!! sitting in thier vault) paid the bill out of my overdraft, and charged me $15 for the service. I was blissfully unaware, confident that my account was flush with CASH! This morning I stopped at the ATM to pick up some cash for breakfast. My receipt showed that my account was in the red, and that they were charging me $5 a day until I deposited money to bring my account current. I went to the bank at lunch to see if there was some mistake. Nope. They charged me $5 for Saturday, Sunday, Monday & Tuesday (the charge acrues at noon & my CASH, FREAKIN’, MONEY, would not be posted to my account ‘til 2:00 pm. That’s $35 in fines. They even charged me $5 for Sunday when they aren’t even OPEN!!!
I explained my plight to the nice lady behind the desk who informed me that my account was only $14.33 short & if I could deposit that in cash before noon, she would post it immediately & I could avoid the today’s $5 fine.
I ran home, and scraped up some money & avoided the fine. Now, I sit here, my lunch hour nearly gone, with no food, because MY MONEY! is sitting in the bank waiting for the majic hour of 2:00 pm.
Ordinarily, I’m not a violent person, but I will have to wait ‘til an unaccustomed bout of bloodlust subsides before I can return to the bank.


Don't Eat the Brownies.


This is my dog.
His name is Bruiser.
I traded a sign for him.
I named him after a dog my father had that looked just like him when he was a puppy.
He’s half Catahoula & half Pit Bull.
He ate my grandmother’s Bible when he was a puppy.
I think that might mean he’s going to hell.
Once he ate a lawnmower wheel.
I don’t mean he chewed on it a little.
I mean there were some little pieces of white plastic left over.
That’s all.
Both he, and the mower survived.
Bruiser is very friendly.
He lives to be petted.
Once, he tried to get the postman to pet him.
The postman Maced him.
He sneezed three times.

Monday, July 25, 2005

My office is 8'X14'.
It used to be 8'X10' but we remodled.
My old office had carpet, sedate comfortable wallpaper, & acoustic ceiling tile.
They promised me carpet & walpaper, etc. in the new office.
They lied.
My new office is made of plywood.
The floor is concrete.
It has no wallpaper.
On the plus side, my chair rolls a lot better & my employer lets me draw on & adhere things to the walls.
I have my own air conditioner & a lock on the door.
The lock is worth more than you could imagine.
In order to take this picture I sat in my chair & rotated while taking pictures with my digital camera. Then I put them together in Photoshop.


This is my friend Terry.

He ain’t right.
He carries food in his pockets. Tomatoes, bananas, cookies, pumpkin pie just about anything edible.
When he’s mad at you he will drop his pants & wave his pecker at you.
One of his ears sticks out from his head at right angles ‘cause he tried to kiss a sheep dog that wasn’t in the mood.
He doesn’t mind stickin’ his head in a scanner.
He’s my favorite co-worker.
I want to run him for senator in 2006.
His polical philosophy is distilled down to:
If the floors are swept, the trash cans are at the road & he’s got food in his pocket what could go wrong.
He’s the only person I’ve ever seen who could take a dump standing up.
I think the world would be a better place if we had more Terrys.
At least in public office.


One day I was at a friend’s house out in Perry County.
His father, and uncle were practicing a strange "sport" I had never before witnessed.
I don’t know if most people know but in the bottom of an anvil is a hole two to three inches square, and a couple of inches deep.
The two men inverted the anvil, filled the hole with gun powder, inserted a piece of cannon fuse, covered the hole with masking tape, righted the anvil on a large stump, lit the fuse, and ran like hell.
There was a loud bang, and the anvil was launched high into the air.
Everyone watched the sky for the anvil, and then Whump! The anvil would bury itself in the ground.
This seemed at first like a rather foolish activity, but I found myself enthralled.
I would never have thought that an anvil could be blown so high in the sky.
Sometimes it was just a speck.
EVERYONE WATCHED THE ANVIL. Not to would have been insane. The thought of a 110 lb. anvil plummeting toward earth with enough force to bury itself in the ground got your attention.
They said that they got the idea from a TV show.
They’d been doing it for years, and occasionally went to events where people launched anvils, and other unlikely, heavy objects over a whole weekend.
They showed me a Skil-Saw that had been mashed when an anvil "got away from them" and penetrated a tool shed.
Since then they do it out in a field instead of in the back yard.
But, stupid.

Gone Fishin'

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish & he’ll eat for a lifetime.
(Conservative point of view)

Tax a man for fishing.
Use his fish to feed your constituency.
Regulate fishing in such a way that he can no longer make a profit fishing & goes out of business.
Give him a fish so he can eat.
Then, give him a tax return as if you had taxed him for the fish you gave him.
Then, raise his taxes because he has more fish now.
Subsidize the failing fishing industry.
Raise taxes to pay for subsidizing the failing fishing industry.
Pass a law creating more fish.
Fund a three year study to find out whether fishing causes global warming.
Give some of his fish to illegal aliens.
What the hell, they’re voting now too right?
Pump money into a failed education system for socialization programs so his children will feel good about themselves and others whether they have fish or not, yet be so illiterate that they will believe this system to be optimal.
(Liberal point of view)

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish & he’ll spend the day in boat drinking beer.
(My point of view)

Graham Crackers

I bought some graham crackers the other day.
I don’t eat graham crackers.
I shoot at them.
I heard that graham crackers were invented by a minister named "Graham" in the nineteenth century as a substitute for sex.
I don’t know if this is true or not.
I’m too lazy to research it.
It’s not that important.
I don’t know what kind of sex Rev. Graham was trying to sub for, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the kind I’m familiar with.
But, as I said, I don’t eat graham crackers.
I shoot them.
I like to use an Israeli made Colt 1911.
Mine’s got 4.25 inch barrel, and a 7 shot magazine.
Colonel Jeff Cooper once said, "Some guns may be prettier. Some guns may be more accurate, or even more powerful. But, when something that wants to kill you is coming out of the dark an arms length away, you will understand the true value of the Colt 1911."
Col. Cooper also said, "The first thing to do in a gunfight is hide. . . .quickly."
I’ve never been in a gun fight.
I never want to be.
I just like shooting graham crackers.
It’s sort of like playing darts, or pool.
But, louder.
I wasn’t using my .45 yesterday though.
I was using a .22 automatic pistol made by Phoenix Arms Co.
.45 ACP cartridges cost $10 and up for a box of 50.
.22 LR cartridges cost about $1.50 for a box of 50.
The graham crackers don’t know the difference.
I went to a spot by the river that has a high clay bank on the opposite shore.
It makes a good backstop.
I throw the crackers up river, and shoot them as they go by.
They make nice slow moving targets that are biodegradable, so I don’t have to clean up after myself.
Just pick up the cases.

Vegetarian Tofurkey (Happy Thanksgiving)

Recipe for "Vegetarian Tofurkey"
3-12 oz. pkgs. of tofu.
Add: 1/2 cup prepared imitation chicken stock
1 tsp. sesame seed oil
1 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. saffron
1 cup finely crushed Ritz crackers
2 tbsp. brown sugar.
Blend mixture thoroughly.
Wrap in cheese cloth & place in a colander.
Place a couple of cans of food or other weight on cheese cloth & leave to drain in the refrigerator for 48 hours.
Remove mixture from refrigerator & stuff in a freshly skinned & gutted vegetarian over a charcoal fire. slice meat from the outside as it gets done.
Feeds: 5-8
Helpful hints:
When slaughtering a vegetarian, sneak up on it. Adrenaline spoils the meat.
For preparation refer to the earlier post "Morlocks Rule!"

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Another Supreme Post

Re: John Roberts appointment
The "French Fry" incident.
Keep an ear out for it.


Seems the blew up London again.
All sympathies to the Brits.
Our prayers are with you.

Seems the news here can't figure out what a "rucksack" is.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Too bad . . . . I guess?

Coca-cola has withdrawn their support of the Jr. Miss program.
No more Jr. Miss.
They had to cancel cause nobody else would sponsor them.
Although, there was a rumor that Spike TV made an offer, but it was dependent on bringing back the swimsuit competition.
I won’t miss the Jr. Miss.
I call pageants "Hog Shows".
In my profession I have occasion to deal with these people.
Pageant moms are the worst.
They remind me of 4H kids getting their livestock ready to judge.
Thus, "Hog Shows."
You know the judges watch these girls judging which will eventually be the best wife/mom, but they give the best score either to the one they’d most like to bone, or to the one they’d least like to bone, so nobody’ll think their just voting for the one they’d most like to bone.
Poor Jr. Miss.
The teen pregnancy rate is gonna soar here in Mississippi.
Jr. Miss was the only reason a lot of chicks around here had for NOT getting pregnant.

Note to self: Invest in mobile home stock.


A man was recently killed in Enonclaw, Washington when the horse he was having sex with fell on him.
That’s gotta be embarrassing.
In Washington state having sex with horses is legal.
As long as you don’t harm the horse.
I heard this story on the radio.
I may have misspelled Enonclaw.
If I did, I apologize to the horses.
The people up there don’t deserve an apology.
They’re having sex with horses.
Horses people!
No matter how well you’re hung, you’re gonna look bad next to the horse.
They got nuts the size of baseballs.

I'm so pretty

A twenty something teacher in Florida recently got busted for doing the slap & tickle with a fourteen year old boy.
Originally, her defense was insanity.
Her lawyer claimed that she had a mental deficiency or defect that prevented her from understanding that what she was doing was wrong.
Unfortunately, she had already told quite a number of people that the reason she liked having sex with the boy was because she knew it was wrong.
Her attorney (after deciding not to bludgeon her) came up with a novel new defense:
She’s too beautiful to go to jail.
I shit you not.
Her attorney is ACTUALLY asking for a reduced sentence because she’s too pretty.
This begs the question, "How pretty is too pretty to go to jail?"
Is it based on the classic 1 to 10 scale.
Is blondeness a mitigating circumstance?
How about boob size?
Does it have to be a classic pretty like Audrey Hepburn or a quirky pretty like Lucille Ball?
A president here could cause an economic boom in the plastic surgery, comsetics, and weight loss industries.
Then again, we must look at the seriousness of the crime.
We live in a world of double standards.
Some see a beautiful woman having sex with a willing fourteen year old boy, and say, "Where’s the crime?"
But, if an adult male had sex with a fourteen year old girl, We’d all be ready to throw him in a cell with Bubba the four hundred pound horse molester, and take away the vaseline.
But, this is a genuine crime.
This woman, with no regard for anything but her own sexual gratification, callously stripped away this poor boy’s innocence. She wantonly forced . . . . . . .
Yeah, I’m not buyin’ it either.
Way to go kid!

A supreme descision

President Bush might appoint a replacement for Sandra O’Conner today.
I hope it’s someone so conservative that it causes Ted Kennedy to run around the senate with the screaming mimi’s as the blood vessels in his brain go off like a string of black cats on the fourth of July.
I hope Ted keeps getting elected.
He makes governing the country fun to watch.
I especially enjoy when his senility switch flips and he does that Ab-a-daba-dab-a Elmer Fud impression thing.
The further out of power the liberals get, the more entertaining they are.
I think that when W received more votes than any president in history, and the Republicans won the majority of Senate seats, a lot of lefties decided to give up politicing, and go into stand up comedy. Either that, or while trying to parse the fact that they LOST!!!!! with the fact that now (look at the election results) more voting citizens in this country want a CONSERVATIVE government. Their brains spontaneously scrambled, turning them into humorous little automatons that just pinball around the Beltway going, "Bush is THE DEVIL, pre-ty-pre-ty-pre-ty, don’t cha think (hic) STARVE THE CHILDREN!!!"
Lordy, lordy, lordy.
I almost said, "You can’t pay for entertainment like this."
But, unfortunately, we do.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Stars & (hic!) Stripes

Every four or five years our esteemed legislators need a good patriotic smokescreen (both Reps & Donkeys). So, somebody throws out a bill about a "Flag burnin' amendment". Though over the decades they've tried this a dozen or so times, it seems when the smokescreen is no longer needed, it just goes away. Well, me personally, I hope they never pass it. Let's face it the only American who would burn the flag, the symbol of our country, and the symbol of all the patriots who have given their lives so we can live in freedom, is one sorry, unamerican, piece of shit. but, those same patriots that flag burning, piece of shit disrespects, gave their live so the treasonous son of a bitch would have the right to express himself in anyway they see fit. I find it humorous that some people protest the very government that preserves thier right to protest. Go burn a Chinese flag in Tienamin Square, see what happens. We all remember the tanks right? So, if you want to burn a flag, my brother American, you go right ahead. Good luck, and God bless! I'll be right there keepin' the fascists (as if you knew what those were) off of ya.
Besides, if we didn't let 'em burn the flag, how would we know who to follow down the alley with an axe handle after the protest?

Oh god

I was recently in a liquor store, and on the TV behind the counter was the image of a large commercial building and the sign thereon said in 3’ red letters "AMERICAN ATHEISTS". It didn’t really strike me until I got out to the car. American Atheists??? Regardless of my own religious beliefs (or lack there of) I find it difficult to believe that people would get together to purposefully not believe in something. Even your basic, fringe, nutjob groups actually believe in something, ie: The First Church of Elvis, MUFON, The Ku Klux Klan, or the ACLU. I can at least see an agenda. But, atheists? I can only imagine how one of their meetings?, services?, whatever must go:
Atheist 1, "Any old business?."
Atheist 2, "Seems at the last meeting we decided we don’t believe in God."
Atheist 1, "Is everyone in agreement with the old business?"
Bob The Atheist, "Yeah, me, and Gomer the Atheist think we ought to put a ‘really’ in there between the ‘we’ and the ‘don’t’."
Gomer The Atheist, "No, Bob, we wanted two ‘reallys’ in there."
Bob The Atheist, "Yeah, that’s right, two ‘reallys’."
Atheist 2, "We might want to leave the old business ‘as read’, and handle all the ‘reallys’ under new business, ‘cause I’m writing with a pen, and I don’t want to scratch anything out."
Gomer The Atheist, "Yeah, sure, that’ll be fine. Just so the ‘really’s’ get in there."
Atheist 1, "Alrighty then, any new business?"
Atheist 2, "Yeah, apparently, Bob, and Gomer want to add a couple of ‘reallys’ between the ‘we’ and the ‘don’t’ in the statement agreed upon in the last meeting."
Atheist 1, "Okay. As per the request... Wait, did anyone make a motion?"
Bob The Atheist, "Yeah, I make a motion to put a couple of ‘reallys’ in that statement."
Gomer The Atheist, "Second."
Atheist 1, "We will now put the matter of the ‘really’s to a vote. All in favor?"
A chorus of, "Ayes!"
Atheist 1, "Opposed?"
Atheist 1, "So, now, we decided we really, really, don’t believe in God."
Bob The Atheist, "Sounds good to me. How about you Gomer?"
Gomer The Atheist, "Yep."
Atheist 1, "Motion to adjourn?"
Gomer The Atheist, "Yeah, I’ll motion to adjourn."
Atheist 2, "Second."
Atheist 1, "Alright, everybody there’s beer, pornos in the rec’ hall."

Friday, July 15, 2005


Believe it or not, Adolf Hitler was terrified of becoming flatulent. His personal physician actually gave him daily injections to prevent it.
But, let’s face it. Every once in a while we’re all gonna let one rip.
And, they’re funny.
Face it we’ve all laughed at fart jokes or people farting at inappropriate times.
I remember once back when I was in Catholic School a nun farted in the middle of a math test. There we were, two dozen fourth graders, concentrating on multiplication, and square roots, and then . . . . "POOT". There it was. I don’t know if anyone smelt it, but there was no doubt who dealt it. At first there was a stunned, silent awe. Then, somewhere in the back of the classroom, a snicker. That’s all it took. The class broke down into a bedlam of laughter, and sympathetic farts, either real, forced, or simulated.
I have come up with two inventions to deal with problematic pooting.
The first is intended for venues where excessive farting might be expected (i.e.: chili cook-offs, Mexican restaurants, or Tandy’s house). It consists of seat cushions made out of that odor absorbing activated charcoal foam that they make "odor eater" insoles out of.
The other invention is intended for those who are afflicted with life threatening flatulence (The DNC, Ted Kennedy, and the ACLU come to mind.). It consists of a hollow butt plug that channels noxious emissions through a crescent shaped activated charcoal filter that is nestled comfortably between the ass cheeks.


Boogers. That’s right, boogers. As fine a bodily secretion as one is likely to run across.
They are the dried remains of mucus secreted by the membranes of the sinus and nasal cavities. The majority of these secretions drizzle down the back of your throat past the adenoids and tonsils into the stomach where they are digested and possibly even reconstituted and resecreted in a never ending cycle. But, those secretions with the temerity to venture down the windy passages of the nasal cavity to the nares will find themselves dehydrated. Petrified by the desiccating wind of breath. They build in layers like gummy little stalagmites until they become "BOOGERS"!
Here we come to a fact of life and bodily functions cloaked in mystery, embarrassment, and social denial denied even to sex. EVERYONE PICKS THEIR NOSE!
It’s the truth.
It’s a fact.
Anyone who denies picking their nose is a liar.
If you didn’t pick your nose, it would fill up with boogers and you would suffocate.
The trick is knowing when and where to pick your nose and where to dispose of the booger.
Where to pick your nose is fairly simple. Anywhere nobody can see you picking your nose. The driver’s seat of your car at a red light is not appropriate. Regardless of how isolated you feel, you’re still surrounded by windows in public.
Booger disposal can be a more difficult challenge.
Of course, the preferred method of disposal is the Kleenex. Although Kleenex would like you to believe sneeze control is their primary aspiration, we all know that most Kleenex are used for either booger or spooge disposal. If a Kleenex is not available, other convenient methods of booger disposal are: under the edge of your bed, wiping on the carpet of your friends car (That’s why Grandma always had those little packets of Kleenex in the glove compartment. Either that or Grandpa was a car jacker - ha ha, get it?), under the seat at a theatre, inside your pants pocket, the sole of your shoe, the back of some stranger on the subway, or waiting in line at Disney World (I love Disney World.), scratching a friends dog, etc.
Be creative.
The world is rife with possibilities.
Booger flicking is acceptable, but carries a greater risk of getting caught. Eating boogers although icky could be considered acceptable in some circumstances. It carries no health concerns. After all, they were headed for the stomach before they became boogers anyway. And, no, you can’t get worms from eating boogers.
Your mother lied to you.
She lied about a lot of things. (But, that’s for another post.)
I know a guy who has elevated the eating of boogers from an obsessive compulsion to a sybaritic act of gustatory satisfaction.
His name is Terry.
He’s a little retarded and has a lot of what they call "inappropriate behaviors".
He can stick his index finger up his nose to the second knuckle when he’s really rooting around in there. Then, he sucks down those nasal nuggets and schnoz oysters with a look of bliss on his face reminiscent of religious ecstasy.
Terry’s cool.

Blue Juice

Being male, I know, and, indeed, wish to know, almost nothing about the mysterious functions of the female anatomy, much less the hardware and appurtenances applied for the control of these functions.
So, why would some advertising agency believe that while I’m watching Mel Gibson in "Pay Back" I would want to see a commercial about some chick showing how one crotch thingy soaks up more blue juice than the other brand.
For the love of Christmas, when I’m watching Mel get his toes smashed with a ballpean hammer, I expect commercials about power tools, or trucks, or beef jerky, or beer, NOT blue juice absorption.
Perhaps they should experiment with "product placement."
Hee, hee.

Kitty Casserole

Kitty Cat Casserole
1 - Cat (Skinned & dressed)
1 - Can Mushroom Soup
1 - Bag of Doritos
1 cup - Grated cheddar cheese
1 cup - Bread crumbs
Cut up cat like you would for frying. Boil until meat comes off bone easily. Remove bones & dice cat. Combine: cat, mushroom soup, bread crumbs, 1/2 of cheese & 1/2 of Doritos. Mix in a casserole dish. Top with remaining cheese & Doritos. Bake uncovered in 350° oven for 30 mins. or until heated through. Serves: 4-6

Morlocks Rule!

For the last several millennia our species has struggled its way to the top of the food chain. Beginning with a timid and fragile australopithecine named Lucy cowering in the Olduvai, we have advanced all the way to the apex of evolution. We are the zenith of creation. We have traveled to the moon and sent our mechanical minions to the far reaches of the cosmos. And here, from our perch on the penultimate step of the evolutionary ladder, we gaze down at our domain. From here we may kill, eat, domesticate, clothe, and adorn ourselves with any other living thing on the planet we choose.
Some argue that there are other intelligent species sharing our world. Bullshit. Has a chimp ever built a pyramid? Can a cat read a John McDonald novel? Dolphins can’t even figure out how to stay out of the damn tuna nets.
So, here we sit, the end result of evolutionary history. Yet, some humans , vegetarians, have decided to remove themselves from this exalted position. They refuse to consume their fellow terrestrials, in order that they might be more fair to, as well as being seen by others as being more compassionate to, all the fuzzy little critters. All fine and good, I want no unnessecary pain or discomfort to come to any other creature. Well cared for animals taste better and are more nutritious. Also, I am entirely in favor of environmental conservation. Large tracts of uncontaminated wilderness means more yummy animals to hunt down and kill. Besides, who knows what yummy little critters might be lost if we don’t thoroughly glean the rain forest before cutting it down for pulp. If you don’t believe in cutting timber, go a week without using paper. Recycling doesn’t count because you gotta cut it and use it before you can recycle it.
These vegetarians give no heed to the words of Benjamin Franklin "If you make yourselves sheep, the wolves will eat you." H. G. Wells covered this in "The Time Machine" where at the end of our evolution we divided into the separate species of Eloi & Morlocks. The Eloi were vegetarians and, well, we’ve all read the book. So, my proposal is that we designate the vegetarians, who have voluntarily removed themselves from the top of the food chain, as an alternative food source. It could change the whole meaning of "Veggie Burger". Although I’ve never eaten vegetarian I understand that they must be tender because they bruise so easily. Also, the bad smell can be removed by par boiling in a couple of changes of water much as one would treat a squirrel. The economies of some rural states could be improved by the promotion of hunting of herds of free range vegetarians. Excess vegetables no longer consumed by vegetarians, as well as other meat products displaced in the market place by vegetarian meat, could be sold cheaply to other less food rich countries. This could very well improve the economy as well as the political situation of the whole world. Not to mention the soft hairless leather goods that could be created from the skins and the benefits to medicine from the huge influx of donor organs. Why settle for a pig heart when you could have a vegetarian heart?
I understand that some my find suggestions distasteful. Some, especially vegetarians, may even be offended. If so, please be aware that my tongue is quite firmly in my cheek (and not only to pick out a stray fragment of roast beef) . So, get over it. If you can’t, then feel free to drop by the house one evening for dinner.

Blue Laws

Hattiesburg, MS for all of it’s new found sophistication, metropolitanness, etc., is still at the bottom of it’s soul a small southern town. This was brought to my attention the other day while I was mowing my lawn. (Sorry, Ann) I decided to get a refreshing adult beverage. So, I walked up to my neighborhood convenience store where I was informed that because of the blue law I would have to wait another 25 minutes before they would be allowed to sell me a beer. I had completely forgotten that it is illegal to sell beer before noon on Sunday. I don’t know how denying me a morning beer is going to improve me or the community at large since I’m not going to church drunk or sober.
Of course, it hasn’t been so long ago that the sale of adult beverages on the sabbath was forbidden entirely in our little town. Back then one had to drive thirty miles to Laurel for a Sunday brew. Laurel was considered a "resort" community & therefore the sale of beer on Sunday was essential to their tourist industry. Although, as far as I could tell, the only tourists they had were thirsty folks from Hattiesburg.
Other blue laws include no selling alcohol within a certain number of yards from a church or school and my personal favorite no exposed alcoholic beverage containers. Apparently the sight of a bottle of alcohol is so offensive to some people that a law had to be passed whereby if you are in a public place you must drink out of a paper bag.
Since the slackening of the blue laws it is now possible to sell beer on Sunday (albeit after noon), bars & restaurants may serve both beer and liquor on Sunday, and bars may now stay open till 2:00 a.m. instead of midnight. This last change effectively killed off what used to be a thriving after-party scene in Hattiesburg. Anyone who hung out and Nick’s in the late eighty’s may now utter a wistful sight.
I suppose I don’t really mind our quaint little blue laws. They harken back to simpler and arguably more sober times. I do, however, find it ironic that the State that gave us these laws is also the only source for the purchase of alcoholic beverages.

Brown word or get off the Potter

The new Harry Potter book (something about a blood sausage or something) is due out today at midnight.
I’ve never read one of these books.
I never intend to read one.
I won’t ever go to see the movie.
I just don’t care.
I don’t understand the whole deal about witchcraft and sorcery, etc.
Pay attention now, church lady, IT’S FICTION!! I don’t care if it teaches kids how to summon Lucifer or make the neighbor’s goat give sour milk, for all I care they can trade thier souls for a new X-box. Go for it, God bless, have fun.
I figure if it gets some this nation’s illiterate little bastards reading, more power to ya.


I’ve always wanted to be an evil genius.
I just can’t come up with a plausible plan for world domination.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


Recently London got blown up.
Before the smoke had cleared, before the victims had finished dieing, it was reported that the Israeli Embassy had received advanced warning of the attack, and did not warn the British government.
There was no basis for this accusation.
It sprang from pure, rank, anti-semitism.
Anti-semitism appears to pervade world government, and world wide media.
Everywhere you look it seem there’s sombody out there Jew hatin'.
There was the Holocaust (I’ve heard people say it never happened - that it was Jewish sympathy ploy).
Persecution in Russian goulogs. Even after 9-11 I heard rumors that all the Jews in the WTC were warned in advance & skipped work that day.
I don’t get it. What is this world wide fear & hatred of this people?
As far as I can tell they, as a people, haven’t ever done anything horrible.
Not like the German ovens, the Japanese at Pearl Harbor, PLO or IRA bombings of innocents.
As individuals, the ones that I’ve known have all been decent folks. The famous ones (mostly comedians) seem nice. Henry Kissinger once said, "Ninety percent of politicians give the other ten percent a bad name." That slays me. Jesus turned water into wine, what a trick! And, matzo ball soup, yummy! They gave us the Bible, Christianity, and those priest and minister jokes just wouldn’t work without the rabbi.
We get along with Hindus, and Buddhists, and at least we claim to get along with the Muslims. Why hate the Jews?
So, If any of you out there hate Jews, or can shed some light on this whole anti-semitic thing, please, send me a comment explaining why, ‘cause I just don’t get it.

Friday, July 08, 2005


As the midget banged away on the piano, the club owner's date said, "So, that's what you meant by a twenty-one inch pianist."

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


Has it ever occured to anyone that communism has never been tried on a national level?
Think about it. Every government I can think of that claimed to be communist was actually either a dictatorship or a totalitarian oligarcy. As far as I can tell communism has been historically used as a lubricant to wrest power and property from the people.
If any body can think of a case where genuine communism has been tried by a nation, please send me a comment, 'cause I can't think of one.

This reminds me of a joke:
Gorbachev was trying to impress his mother.
He took her to see his palace. She made no comment.
He took her to see a magnificent parade. She made no comment.
He fed her on the finest caviar and imported delicacies from around the world. Again, she made no comment.
Finally, he broke down and says, "Mother, is none of this wonderful to you?"
She replied, "Oh, yes, darling. I only worry what will happen to it all if the Communists ever come back to power."


At first I thought the only reason the whole "Aruba" thing was getting so much coverage was because it involved a photogenic blonde chick. Lately, though, it occurs to me that this may be a reporter driven story. They get to report on a story that takes little or no fact gathering effort (the facts hardly change from day to day) and they get to lie around in a tropical paradise drinking boat drinks on the company dime. The problem I see with this over coverage (I dare you to find a news station that doesn't report on it semi-hourly) is that the media might cause a situation similar to what William Randolph Hurst caused when he over embellished the whole "Maine" thing. Anybody ready to charge up Palm Beach Hill?


The deputy burst into the jail with a saloon girl.
The sheriff looked up and sighs, "I said, posse!"


There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
Well, here there is.
I ran across a curios statistic the other day.
About 80% of children in this state are on the free or reduced lunch program.
That statistic just sounds wrong to me.

At local schools full price lunch is $1.60 and breakfast is $0.80. That's $2.40 per day. Not bad for two meals designated nutritious by the state.
If you figure a kid goes to school 22 days a month (30 days minus 4 weekends) that's $52.80 per month.
That's about what my cable bill is.
I don't know the statistic, but I'm pretty sure more than 20% of households in this state have cable.
This means that there are some sorry, bottom feeding pieces of shit out there that care more about their cable TV than feeding their children.
Some of you may be these sorry, bottom feeding pieces of shit and may be offended by this.
But, the way I figure, if you're gonna stick your little bastard's snout in the public trough so you can get ESPN, you deserve all the verbal abuse a taxpayer feels like dishing out.
I know there are people who genuinely need help to get by.
That's what these programs are for.
But, think how much better off we would all be if these sorry, bottom feeding pieces of shit would just turn off the TV and make their kids a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of teaching them how to suck on the government teat.

Monday, July 04, 2005


I just saw a woman on television refered to as a Professional "Scrapbooking" Consultant.
I find it frightening to believe there might be people out in TV land who would believe that such a position even exists.
I find it more frightening to believe there might be people who need this service.
I find it even more frightening to believe there might be enough people out there so stupid they can't figure out scissors and paste, that such a position might be viable.
Weren't these skills covered fairly thoroughly in Kindergarten?
I'm trying to imagine what one of these "consultations" must be like.
  • Put your thumb in one hole.
  • Put your fingers in the other.
  • Put paper between the blades.
  • Open & close your hand.
  • No. Don't eat that. I know it's yummy, but it'll get you constipated & it's really high in carbs.

Friday, July 01, 2005

The Supreme

Today Sandra O'Connor retired.
All of the sudden Roe v. Wade is back in the news.
Really, people, can't we think of something more pertinent to America's juris prudence than whether or not a chick can get Hoovered on demand?
Besides, I was just getting interested in that whole "Aruba" thing.