Monday, October 31, 2005

Deer Deer Deer

This Saturday I went to Wal-Mart.
I had to.
I didn’t have a choice.
While walking through the sporting goods area, I was confronted by a life-size, animated, rubber deer head, mounted on a plaque, and enthusiastically singing an old country & western tune.
This was the most terrifying thing that I have thus come across this Halloween season.
Not necessarily because Wal-Mart carried such an asinine object, but that there were enough people living around me that would buy such an abomination, that Wal-Mart would stock them. I’m sure that Wal-Mart spends considerable amounts of money on market research, etc.
This is what they came up with?
I don’t know if I should be offended that some research organization determined that Hattiespatch, MS was the kind of place that was deficient of REALLY stupid things to hang on our walls.
Perhaps this is some kind of test.
Maybe the government is marketing these trophy troubadours in some nefarious conspiracy. They could plant a chip in the deer’s head, and then track down the moron that bought the thing, and swoop in with one of their black helicopters in whisper mode, and pump some sort of gas into the purchaser’s house (or trailer) that would sterilize them, thus removing some of the pond scum from the gene pool.

Just a thought.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Happy Halloween?

George Takai who played Lieutenant Sulu on the sixties television show "Star Trek" has come out of the closet, this week. Honestly, I don’t think he was too deep in the closet to begin with. He may not have been the only poof on the show though. Who can forget Scotty Hollerin’ "I’m givin’ ‘er all I got Captain." Hmmmm? I won’t get into the possible "Klingon", "Asteroids" & "Uranus" jokes. That’s too cheap even for me.
Of course there had to be some testosterone running around the Enterprise. Every chick on the ship was in a miniskirt & go-go boots. Even the aliens were hot. Who remembers the chick on the underground planet that wore the jumpsuit with two different color pant legs & the strappy things that went up over her tits? That episode was some prime after-school whack material right there buddy.
Did you ever wonder what they the crew of the Enterprise did all day? Sure, they fought aliens, and saved planets for an hour or so a day, but the rest of the time, what were they doing? Did Kirk just sit in his big chair, and watch his giant T.V. screen? Did it get any other channels besides the "Stars Going By" network? If it had been me, I’d have been goin’ "Hey, Ohura, come sit in my lap. Scotty, beam me a six-pack. Chekov, warm up those phasers. I wanna shoot somethin’!"
On a completely different note.
Earlier this week a woman hung herself in a tree next to a major thoroughfare. She hung up there most of the day in full view of hundreds of motorists & pedestrians. Apparently no one checked on her because they thought she was a Halloween decoration. I want to laugh my ass off over that, but decorum prevents.
When you think about it Halloween is weird time of the year. What other time of the year could you drive down the street with a truck load of dismembered bodies and not arouse suspicion? You could walk down the street with a hockey mask, a chainsaw, and a decapatated human head and not attract attention. You could slit someone’s throat on stage, and if you were wearing a Jack the Ripper costume you could probably get away with it.
Here’s wishing a happy Halloween to all the blogging ghoulies out there!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Dang it

The powerball has been won by a guy in Oregon.
I was going to use the money to buy a small Pacific island and enslave the indigenous population.
Thwarted again.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

If you knew Sushi like I know Sushi!

This post was inspired by a post & some comments on a friends blog. Thanks Ann & damnyankee.

Why Sushi is better than a girlfriend:

  1. It's cheaper.
  2. It’s more nutritious.
  3. They always bring you a hot towel before hand.
  4. Sushi doesn’t want to cuddle after.
  5. Sushi never gets jealous if you eat other sushi.
  6. You can eat sushi all month long.
  7. You can use chopsticks, or your fingers.
  8. The green stuff is tasty.
  9. You can have more than one kind at the same time.
  10. Sushi never wants to talk about your relationship.
  11. Sushi won’t follow you home after you eat it.
  12. You don’t have to get sushi drunk first.
  13. You never have to do anything just because.
  14. If you don’t have sushi for a few weeks, it’s still there when you want it.
  15. You know why sushi smells like fish.
  16. Sushi comes with a palate cleanser.
  17. Sushi doesn’t mind if you dip it in soy sauce.
  18. You’re never jealous of the guy who rolled it.
  19. Sushi never has a headache.
  20. Sushi always satisfies.
  21. Sushi never minds if you just pay & leave.
  22. You can eat sushi & drink beer at the same time.
  23. You can get a piece for $3.75.
  24. You don’t have to pretend to respect it after.
  25. You don’t have to take sushi out before you eat it.
  26. Sushi won’t get fat & wrinkly.
  27. Sushi can’t file a restraining order.
  28. Its easier to explain why your fingers smell funny.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Another reason to hate cats.

It looks like the bird flu is gonna kill us all. So, we should be prepared for the pandemic. The flu pandemic of 1918 supposedly killed more people than WWII. Most reported cases of bird flu have resulted from people living in close contact with fowl. Recently a man in India, transferred the bird flu to his two children who had no contact with birds. So transfer from human to human is possible. Also, unlike most avian diseases, bird flu can be contracted by cats. So, people living in close contact with cats are advised to watch their animals for symptoms. It is believed that thorough cooking will kill the virus. When I heard this I immediately thought; in order to cook the fowl (or feline) thoroughly, wouldn’t you have to handle the raw flesh?
Note to self: Dump KFC & Buffalo Wild Wings stock.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Holy Shitake!

Vladimir Ilich Lenin has been lying in state in a mausoleum in Red Square since 1924. The Russian people have been demanding that he be removed because he is a symbol of the past, and of the "old ways". He’s been layin’ around for 81 years! For the love of christmas BURY HIM! Also, he must be removed periodically from his glass coffin to be cleaned because he has developed the tendency to sprout mushrooms.


I’m not sure why, but I find this profoundly disturbing.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Dr. Feelgood?

A woman in Oregon is suing her doctor for treating her lower back pain by having sex with her.
The 45 min. "treatments" went on for some time with no appreciable decrease in her pain.
I agree that the doctor in this case is a sleazeball and is clearly in the wrong. That being said, what kind of moron would fall for a line like that? I mean seriously, do they not have Doan’s Pills in Oregon? Tylenol? I figure she ought to just look on the bright side, at least she was gettin’ it for 45 mins. twice a week.
The doctor is also under federal indictment for billing Medicaid for the bogus treatments.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Li’l ol’ Wholesome Nekid

Seattle, Washington recently passed a law making lap dances & sticking dollar bills in dancers’ G-strings illegal.
This will, of course, lead to the end of the exotic dancing industry there.

1. Exotic dancers make most of their money from tips.

2. Owners of dance clubs can’t afford to pay their dancers much more than they already do.

3. Unless the money is there clubs can’t attract really premium ass.

4. Many customers will not come to watch cheap skank ass dance.

5. The kind of customers who will show up to watch cheap skank ass dance are the kind of lowlifes you don’t want in your community.

6. The cheap skank ass that will dance for low lifes are almost always whores.

7. Most cheap skank ass whores use either crack, or crystal meth.

8. Where the cheap skank ass crack & meth whores are there are going to be crack & meth dealers along with the ancillary criminals, and their activities.

It is my contention that this new law will do more harm to the community than it will help.
What real harm does a lap dance do to the community? If a guy wants to stick a buck in a dancer’s g-string where is the damage to the body politic? Where in the Bible prohibition against ticklin’ a little bush?
Come on Seattle, it’s just a li’l ol’ good wholesome nekid.
Next thing ya’ know they’ll be outlawin’ the chicken wing. ;-)

Monday, October 03, 2005

Bert's Free Horoscope 4 U

Check out my new horoscope blog: Bert’s Free Horoscope 4 U.
There’s a link around here somewhere.
I hope to be updating it monthly, so now you have free template to plan your sad little life around!
Just follow the advice & be wary of the predictions in BFH4U & at the very least your life won’t be any worse than it is now, and you won’t have to stumble blindly into the future, and make all those pesky decisions. Just put yourself in my capable hands and everything’s gon’ be fine.
Happy blogging!